


Home (Comfortember 2020)

by Kirrithian



Series: To hell and back [2]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: (Rose Quartz), After Effects Of Trauma, Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Claustrophobia, Comfort, Dammit mobile let me tag it properly when I first post it, Depression, Dissipating, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eye Horror, Flashback, Found Family, Gem damage, Gen, Graphic depictions of murdered pastry, Grief, Hallucinations, Hot Chocolate, Hugs, It'll get better, More soft than the above bits but y'know...tags, Nightmare, PTSD, Panic Attack, Recovery, Shapeshifting, Split iris, Support, Talk about character Death, Therapy, collapse, cracked - Freeform, lil bit of, soft
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-04
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-08 19:21:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 27,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27381865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kirrithian/pseuds/Kirrithian
Summary: After going through terrible tortures at the hands of those scientists, Pearl is rescued and brought home, where the Crystal Gems do everything to help her in her recovery.Trauma recovery fic, sequel to Hell. Brief recap chp 1. I'm trying to keep flashbacks/ references to Hell to a minimum, but there's still a lot of PTSD/mental health issues addressed and depicted within, incl. thoughts and processes, and how the dynamic of recovery isn't always straightforward. (There is therapy too)
Series: To hell and back [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1999747
Comments: 32
Kudos: 46
Collections: Comfortember 2020





	1. Prompt no.1: Rescue

**Author's Note:**

> Chp 1: Rescue
> 
> After pulling Pearl's gem from that place, they take her to Yellow Diamond to have her fixed up.

She wasn't sure she was coming back. 

Garnet watched as she began to glow again, her form delicately directed into being by the watchful guidance of Yellow Diamond, figure drawn like smoke out of the still mottled pearl.

They'd nipped her gem from the jaws of hell, a prison where old era scientists inflicted terrible tortures on her in the name of Homeworld that was, still fighting a war long fought. They'd broken her gem. They'd nearly destroyed her. But she'd destroyed them, small vengeance on her attackers as she escaped into corruption to find her freedom. But she'd still been stuck behind walls, thick barriers of rock and Earth on all sides, her form that had brought her one freedom denying her another.

Yellow Diamond quietly cursed as the glowing form flickered out the second she released it. Again.

They'd saved her. Chasing down every lead to find their friend corrupted and trapped, the tales of her confinement left wrecked around her, its marks far worse than Garnet had possibly imagined.

A shattered gem would have been simpler, cleaner. Now they didn't know if there was enough left to bring back. The waiting was agony, and every failed attempt another nail in her fraught nerves. 

Yellow Diamond leant back with a heartfelt sigh. "I don't think there's much more I can do." The announcement met a shocked silence.  
"Don't give me that look, I've been trying everything I can but the form simply refuses to stabilise. Whether it's the gem itself, or something from the corruption I don't know. But it's refusing all my attempts to fix it. There's simply too much damage."

"No!" Amethyst stomped back and forth. "You have to keep going, you have to! Maybe you put the gem together wrong, or something's missing or-"

"It's not that simple. I could try and fix every piece of the gem back together exactly how it was before, reassemble it a hundred times over, but if there's nothing there to bring back..."

"But she is! She's there, she's got to be- her gem's together, her form is coming out, it still has power..." Amethyst pleaded, whilst Garnet stared at the pale gem in silence.

"A comparatively limited amount, yes."

"You've brought back gems in worse states than this!"

"Physically, yes," she acknowledged. "There have been many incomplete gems I've successfully restored, yet this one..." Their gazes turned to the pearl once again. "I've been racking my brain as to what's going on and the only possibility is that it's beyond the physical. Whatever she's been through..." Yellow rested a finger against the desperately outsized Pearl, "it's clearly had an impact, a different sort of grief. Bringing her back... It's not enough to have the gem together, she has to want to reform. Many a gem I have reassembled just to see them fall apart, take one look at the world beyond and say 'enough'. Without her input, there's only so much I can do, and I'm already doing a lot more than I usually would. Even my body has limits, and the amount of power I've been using, well... If it weren't for Steven..." She let the words hang in the air, but they knew she had been putting a lot of energy into Pearl, trying to replace what was lost, trying to restore what was damaged. But it wasn't enough.

"We keep trying." Garnet gave her a steely look.

"How long would you have me do this? Weeks, months, years? If she can't sustain a form, there is no Gem."

Garnet's stomach lurched. She might not be coming back. After everything they'd gone through to find her, rescue her, bring her home. She hadn't told Steven, scared Pearl would shatter away the second they tried to save her, tried to rebuild her. It would be easier to lie, claim Pearl had simply been shattered by a corrupted gem, sparing him the details, but the agony of it still was so much, that terrible future of such grief that she could only see a pink ball of sorrow and pain, and beyond it simply blankness, the minds eye limited by her own heart.

How could she imagine a future without her?

But it was still only a possibility for now, not reality, not until they had given up all hope.

"We won't give up on her." Garnet ignored the look of wearied pity her words drew from the Diamond, instead opting to scoop up the pearl in her hands, gazing at it with a love and sorrow that felt all too familiar to the larger gem.

Of course they wouldn't.

"She's just lost, scared..." Broken. She could still feel the uneven lines on her gem. "We need to be something she can come back for."

It took a few words, a cheerleading squad to provide any change, the draw of a name finally generating some tangible connection.

"It was a little easier," Yellow Diamond conceded, "not that I was call that anything significant in the grand scheme of things." 

They tried again, this time getting the first few traces of colour on a form, still indistinct in the details, but unmistakably Pearl, hanging floppy and puppet-like from the Diamond's grasp, staring blankly across the way.

It hit twice as hard when the illusion disappeared, poofing away in a hug.

"No. No!" Amethyst was crying, still trying to cling to the gem, to the space where she'd been. "We had her, we almost had her!" 

"If that was her, there isn't much-"

"You saw it in her eyes, she was there!"

"She did move," Garnet felt Yellow Diamond's gaze turn upon her, "a little." She ignored the unasked question yet again.  
"Again. One more." Garnet clarified.

"It's always one more." But true to her word she got to work yet again, perspiring as she did.

The form returned, white and glowing, the quietly stressed complaints from the Diamond disappearing in the background as the colour began to return to Pearl's cheeks. Garnet crouched beside the empty staring spectre of her friend, reaching out.

"Pearl we're here, you're safe, we're here. We got you out of that place, you're safe now. We need you to try and hold onto your form for us."

"We want you back." Amethyst's plea was heartbreaking in its raw simplicity. "Come on P, you can do this. Come home."

Pearl blinked, slow and weighted, but uncomprehending, the distant connections, that spark of familiarity they so desperately sought simply wasn't there, just another empty puppet.

Garnet tried again. "Pearl, I'm here." A secondary wave failed to track any attention either, bringing hints of unease. "Pearl, if you can hear me, look at me, show us something... Please..." She could feel the form tingling under her fingers, tense, threatening to disappear away again. She could feel movement too, the body starting to shift a little, pulled out of sync. Yellow Diamond grunted behind her, and Garnet watched as her friends irises seemed to crack and slowly shift apart. "Hold on." Pearl blinked again.

"I can't hold this forever." Yellow Diamond huffed yet again.

"She can't see, can you fix it?" 

Like drifting islands they resolved together again, and they moved, floating around to finally land on Garnet, receiving a near tearful smile.

"Welcome back." 

The gaze kept going, skipping on past her without recognition, looking around slowly, drifting, barely focusing on anything, the tension within her growing again. Garnet could feel the unfettered anxiety trembling through.

"Pearl, we're here. You're out, you're safe." Her gaze finally landed back on Garnet, snapped back at the sound of her voice.

She looked...confused. Scared. She didn't know them.

She didn't know how to hold her own form.

She pulled away.

"Wait, Pearl it's okay, it's me, you know me." It was a hope more than reality, the languishing seconds toying with her as Pearl still watched in uneasy blankness, the screaming future hounding around Garnet. It was all too possible that Pearl's memories were too damaged, that she was too far gone from who she was.

_Not enough to bring back._

"You're safe. You're safe here. Try to hold on. Focus on being here, now." Garnet wasn't sure if it was working. "You know us. You know who we are. Please," Garnet's voice cracked, her last hints of composure slipping, "Pearl, come home."

_Home?_

She almost missed it, mouthed around the echoed word, and Pearl kept going, her mouth moving up and down wordlessly, forgotten lines and half remembered muted words. She was trying to speak, Garnet realised, fumbling in silence, her actions unpractised and uncertain, fear rising in her eyes as the words disappeared within her, staring up, desperate and questioning. Garnet tensed, her own words stripped from her in the unknown.

Who are you?

Who am I?

 _Possible. All possible._ Garnet clung on, futures popping and fading around her, drowning in turbulence around questions as it roared to a crescendo, rattling around her head and threatening to pull her apart. She almost missed it, lost in a storm of her own, when Pearl let out the feeblest cough and tried again, her voice scratchy and cracked, but there.

"Garnet?"


	2. Prompts 2&3:  First day/night, and Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompts 2&3: first day and night, and nightmares
> 
> Pearl starts to realise there's something wrong with her, and struggles to settle back in.

There were tears, and hugs, heavy hands that pressed her back into herself, broad shoulders sobbing under her chin. It had taken her another moment to remember Amethyst, names and memories coming through achingly slowly, buried in the treacle haze of her mind.

"...taken a while to get you to reform...

She felt strange, like everything was moving around inside, unsettled and pulling, wrapping up in her shoulders. She almost felt queasy, and more than a little light headed. A buzzing sound drew her attention back to Amethyst. She was still speaking. Ah.

"...try and stay with us yeah?"

Yeah. She probably should. Pearl nodded.

"Hug?"

Hug.

"Welcome back."

Back, she was back, definitely, tangibly here, long away from that place and back in the arms of her family. Pearl's breath skipped, everything shifting within her, swept up in a soaring weightlessness, every inch of her tingling and pulled apart by an endless freedom around her. She felt like she could fly, jump at the stars and disappear into the sky. She was free.

"Pearl?"

It welled up, a smile and cry tumbling over each other in disbelief, wrapping herself up in everything and slipped beyond her in an instant, disappearing with a single rushing _poof!_

She was free.  
-

"Hey, you jumped out on us there." The soft voice drew her back, Amethyst crouching over her. She was on the floor, mostly, half laid across Garnet's lap, head against some rounded surface behind her. A strange tingling was running down the back of her neck. It was warm and filling, boosting her body back into being. It felt good. She managed a smile.

"I was just glad to be back, glad to be- well..." She let the word hang in the air with a vague wave, blue flushing her cheeks. 

She remembered.

Pearl pushed herself up, half falling out from the embrace as her hands swept to her gem. A lump caught into her throat even as her elbow caught on Garnet, fresh found barbs of green and brown now protruding there on each side. Corruption scars.

"It's okay," Garnet assured her. "Yellow can fix those away." She wrapped her own hand round one of Pearl's, guiding her safely to her own gem. "We did what we could. There was a lot of damage here." Pearl nodded. She could feel the cracks, mostly filled and rounded off, but still there. Her gem was at least back in a Pearl shape, firm under her touch. She frowned. There was something else, snaking down the side of her face. Her fingers jumped, shaking and tracing over the scar-like ridge as it tumbled down her neck, lumping up as it hit another. She followed that, and the next, and the next, They kept going, crisscrossing her body, and she could see it, glowing silver white across her skin and within too, turning and trying to pull apart. She should have been healed, cleared of this. Yet it was still here, wrong. 

It was wrong, they'd gotten it wrong!

"Hey Pearl, it's okay, we've got you. You're safe."

She could feel herself crying, tears creeping up between the gaps, an increasing pressure that quickly burst, sending her back to her gem once more.  
-

"...emotions, so this wouldn't be the first time."

"But this is jacked, turned up to eleven."

"Yes, which is why she needs our support, and all the help she can get."

"No." A different voice, much larger, and curt. "I already told you I've done as much as I can, if you think I'm going to..."

Yellow Diamond. Of course. She could repair the bodies of corrupted and shattered gems, restore them to what they were. If anyone was able to fix this it was her. Yet... Pearl wobbled, suddenly aware of herself, little more than a vague hovering glowing outline, shimmering and flickering around the edges, here, and not here.

"What's taking her so long? She isn't corrupted any more."

I'm not! 

Wordless, Pearl realised she still needed a body. She should have had one already, slipped into it as easily as Steven would his jacket. But it didn't come. Pearl frowned through the glow, trying to draw her form back. But it was hazy as much of her other memories, and something about it even more so. Yet there had been a body, scarred, deformed, wrong. Panic snuck in, digging up inside her and coming to a head.  
-

"What's happening to me?" Pearl could barely see through tears, crumpled over the large yellow hand.

"I was going to ask you the same. You shouldn't keep running off to your gem like that," the Diamond huffed. "I can't sustain you forever."

"I'm not...I can't-!"  
No!  
-

"Pearl, it's okay. Listen to me, and just focus on making a body for yourself." Garnet spoke, her calm voice filling Pearl's head, "We know things are strange, but just let yourself be what you feel inside. Don't fight it, just focus on keeping hold of your form."

I'm trying, she wanted to tell them, I really am. But they couldn't hear, and with a grunt she resigned herself to the weight of reformation. She kept her eyes shut this time, but it was still a fight, one that left her light-headed and drained as soon as she was through. Her legs gave out under her and she wilted into Garnet's arms.

"That's it, you're back, you're you." She could feel Garnet's hand running through her hair. If she kept her eyes shut she could imagine this was all a dream, Garnet keeping her safe on the battlefield until Rose made it back. She curled up a little more, holding against that pull, that overwhelming sense of elastic that was trying to send her back to her gem once more. 

"That's it, take it easy." There was a pause. "We saw some of the records when we pulled you out. You were hurt a lot in there." Her hand ran across Pearl's back, the slow movements quelling the knot of emotion. "We're here for you to help you through this, whatever you need."

What did she need? She needed this to be fixed. She needed to not be so tired. She needed to get up. She tapped out a little question on Garnets arm.

"Take it slowly."

She stood up, wobbling a little but Garnet threw out a hand to steady her. She gave it a grateful squeeze, looking around. 

"Welcome back."

This time she could feel the wobble coming, and keep it at bay, closing her eyes and bracing against the rush until it passed.

Pearl inhaled, exhaled, then opened her eyes to a smiling Garnet. Pearl turned to Yellow Diamond. "Okay. I've got that sorted now." She stepped up with a chirp, waving at herself. "I'm ready for the rest of it!"

"No."

What? 

Pearl could feel her form begin to flicker and shift again, that nervous turn inside riling into a furious beast. "But..." She'd done everything she'd asked, she was holding it, _stars_ she was holding on so tight, just for this. And she was what, just going to leave her? It wasn't done, it wasn't-!

"I'm not doing anything more until you've stabilised your form."

"But," no! "It is sta-" 

Her body betrayed her, and she was gone once again.  
-

"There is every point!"

"You're letting your emotions get the better of you."

"My emotions are just FINE!"

"Pearl-"  
-

"-you can't even keep hold of my basic changes across a single form!"  
-

"No, you can fix this, you have to fix-"  
-

"- please you've got to put this right! I need-"  
"No. Fix yourself first. Then we'll talk."  
"But-"  
"ENOUGH."  
-

She reformed, almost jumping out into her body as soon as she was able, only to find the target of her ire absent, the bright yellow halls replaced with the more muted woodwork of the beach house. 

"Pearl,"

She turned to Garnet and Amethyst with a questioning look. They were stood off, waiting quietly. She didn't need to ask.

"We bubbled you," Amethyst explained, "brought you home."

"Your argument was causing your form to destabilise even more." Too often. Pearl had drawn in and out with such fury that she'd reformed almost as quickly as she once had on the battlefield. More so. It had been so easy. Too easy. She couldn't stop it.

"Our forms are connected our emotions after all. We needed to get you away from that or you were going to drain yourself. You've been through a lot."

Pearl's hands drifted inwards self consciously. Garnet stopped her.

"We can get that fixed up later. For now the important thing is you're here, and you get some rest. Staying calm will help settle things."

"Yup. This is now officially number one chill time P. No stressing allowed. It's sofa, snuggles and TV for you tonight."

"Actual rest," Garnet added, pulling her visor down to fix Pearl with all three eyes.

"Don't I have a say in this?"

"Nope."

Pearl glanced behind them. "Well then, am I at least allowed to pick up those socks dumped on the stairs?" The two gems looked like she'd just told them a giant dancing carrot was there, their stumped looks bouncing off each other as they tried to figure out what to say. "It'll save me worrying about someone tripping on them," Pearl added dryly, then after a moment. "I could do with a stretch at least. Get used to...this."

Garnet nodded in the end. "Don't overwork yourself. And don't go out of sight."

Amethyst still darted behind, scooping up the offending pair and launching them into Greg's room anyway, bringing a wry smile. Some things never change. 

Pearl took a proper look around. It felt a little surreal, to finally be here after wanting this escape for so long. Had the walls always been so deep? the colours drifting from one plank to the next, each's own pattern delicately laid out in mesmerising lines. She could feel the whole thing shift slightly against the breeze outside, creaking and moaning as the wind pushed past the windows, promising rain outside. It felt so alive, full of so much energy, so much like Earth.

She was home, and just in the nick of time too. Half tidied piles laid around and about, out of place and, in the case of some plates, still dirty, the faint smells of old cooked foods and sea air catching the background. Plenty to be getting on with, something to do. Something to remind her she wasn't just a guest in her own home.

She started idly sorting through the bits on the coffee table when Garnet scooped away half the papers away and shoved them in the bin, the scribbled maps still visible.

"We should have tidied that earlier."

Before Pearl could ask, Amethyst's voice came down the stairs. "Hey Pearl! Lonely blade seven or Return of the vampire-unicorn three?"

"Vampire-unicorn three? Who comes up with these names?" 

Amethyst hopped back down, waving the ridiculously over saturated box over her head with a grin plastered across her face. Sure enough there was a unicorn flying across the front. _Vampire_ -unicorn. Humans. It still bemused her how imaginative they could be.

"So has it returned three times or is it just the third movie?"

Thankfully Amethyst launched into a full-blown explanation of the first three movies (and prequel), allowing Pearl to work around in relative freedom. She could feel Garnet's eyes on her back as she though, and tried to put her to the back of her mind, instead picking up the rest of the laundry. She found another sock hiding on the stairs, letting out a little mnh as her leg twinged when she reached out to get it. 

_It shouldn't do that it shouldn't-!_

Pearl looked back, to see if they'd noticed. Garnet was, as always, watching, her thoughts left hidden behind her visor. Pearl skipped down the stairs with a bounce and a trill. "Got it!" She hummed, and folded it away with the rest, throwing a pleasant smile back towards Garnet. Job well done. It wasn't entirely a front though; it felt good to be doing stuff.

Garnet lifted her head, finally looking at something else. "Greg's back."

The door clicked open. "Hey guys, I brought some- Pearl!" He gave an awkward half wave, the bag of donuts bouncing through the air. "Welcome back!"

Amethyst jumped up and grabbed them from his grasp. "Rescue!"

"Careful, they're a l-little chilled." 

"Not just them," Pearl observed, quickly popping up and checking his temperature, skin cool to the touch. "You're freezing." It was so easy to slip into her old habits, and this time she was glad of it.

"I'm fine," he protested, "I can manage. My van's been colder than this for years."

"I'll get you a drink." She went rummaging through the cupboards pulling an array of supplies down. The teabags had somehow disappeared, so she'd opted for the cocoa, spooning heaps of sugar and milk into a mug, and completely missing the strangled gasp as she put the lot into the microwave, Garnet leapt to her feet behind her. But Pearl was oblivious, tapping in the time with a few beeps and setting it going. 

She tapped against the door thoughtfully as it spun, still intensely watched. "It's strange; the scientists had one of these. I think they stole it from a nearby human settlement." They waited, waiting for the dots to connect, for the whole thing to slip, come crashing down on her. "We should probably go back to apologise. Wouldn't do to have humans thinking of us like thieves, even if one or two were." 

The machine beeped, and Pearl popped it open, the smell of chocolate filling the room. She added the last finishing touches before bringing the mug over to Greg.

"Thanks Pearl! Mmm! That's really good!" 

"Pearl," Pearl skipped beyond Garnet's scooping arm. 

"Just going to do those dishes so we don't have to worry about them tomorrow!" 

"Peaaaaarrrlll..." Amethyst's protest was quickly put down, instead tucking into their donuts as Pearl scrubbed the smells away. Her stomach shifted and she frowned, the usual queasiness food brought her building up into a tangible movement within. She tensed, pushing it back, barely missing a beat in her work. 

She hummed, and kept working away.

Garnet watched her, waiting. Saucepans traversed the sink and the humming got louder, her heart sinking as she noticed the shoulders of her friend slowly rising up. 

"Greg, it's probably best you turn in for the night." 

"Nah, it's okay- I'm not that-"

Garnet glared at him pointedly.

"-into Vampire-unicorn anyway. See you in the morning!"

Amethyst had, at least, caught her worry, wanting to skip straight over to Pearl, but Garnet held her back, waiting for their audience to clear, the door clicking behind him. 

"Hey Pearl," Amethyst carefully approached her. "Are you okay?" 

The clatter of dishes faltered for a second, but she didn't answer. Garnet spoke.

"I know you're shifting." The dishes stopped. "You don't need to do that here, it's just us. You'll just wear yourself out."

Amethyst got over her surprise and pitched in. "Yeah, we don't care how you look, we're just happy to have you back." Pearl didn't move.

She was stood there, tears on her face, gripping the side of the sink, eyes wide, barely taking any breath, sweating furiously as she shook.

She was holding on. 

Holding. 

_Holding_

"Pearl, let it go."

"I can't," Pearl whispered. If she let go it would all fall apart, send her careening back to her gem. Two weeks. If she could hold this for two weeks Yellow Diamond would finally fix it, smooth back these last few cracks. Yet every second she had them they shifted against her, her own body trying to split away from itself once again. It hurt to stay, but she could barely bear to be apart. She could feel it turning again.

"Show us."

No. She shook her head. She didn't want them to see, she didn't want them-

"We want to help you, but we can't if you don't tell us what is wrong."

Wrong? The façade slipped, her body flaring for a second as it threatened to dissipate once again, Pearl wrestling back for control. But her body fought against her, deforming and pulling away in bright glowing nightmare limbs that kept trying to reach away. She could hear their shock, and shook within, letting out a whimper as she tried to hold on.

"It feels like I'm falling apart. I can't stop it." She let out another grunt as a chunk on her left side flared and distorted, growing and trying to pull away from herself. It turned into a cry as she struggled to bring it under control again, clutching onto herself as the same thing repeated itself all over her body. 

"Hold on." Warm arms wrapped around her, a flicker of movement without as she found herself on the sofa. She could feel hands pushing at the strange, distorted, offset parts of her, a reminder where to focus in this bizarre game of self whack-a-mole as they were trying to help. But it kept coming, again and again, the movement, a repulsion turned into this writhing beast within her that kept trying to get out, take her away. She didn't want this. She let out a cry as it turned again.

"It's hurting her!"

There was a moments quiet as they waited for an answer. Garnet would know. She always knew what to do.

"Pearl, you need to let go."

What? "No!" Pearl insisted, fear rising within her. "I need-"

"-You need to rest. You can't do that like this. You need to go back to your gem."

"-this to be fixed, I need-"

"Let go, we've got you. It'll be okay."

"-to hold on, just a bit longer." Two weeks, that was all she needed.

"It's too long. It's okay, you don't have to do everything right away. Go on, go, you'll feel better when you're done. We'll keep you safe."

"No, I need...I need-"

Pearl was mumbling now, face streaked with tears, desperate and caught in this battle between mind and body. Garnet did the only thing she could, phasing her visor away and turning her so carefully into her eyeline, even though her worried face was focused far beyond.

"Pearl, we love you."

The effect was instantaneous. Her eyes locked up and Pearl steadied, filled with a incalculable warmth that spread within, flooding every inch of her with so much _more_.

"oh."

She poofed.

Garnet couldn't take her eyes off the gem, tears of her own glistening in the corners. It was better this way.

Wordlessly Garnet let Amethyst take the gem as she climbed onto her lap, scooping it tight to her chest as she lay. Garnet wrapped her arms around the both of them, hands over hers and the three of them stayed like that 'til morning.


	3. Prompt 3: Nightmares (Bismuth)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Extra chapter, nightmares, angsty, bit of build up for another chapter.
> 
> Bismuth comes to the beach house hearing the others are back, asking after Pearl.

She'd seen the lights on across town and dismissed it at first, knowing Greg was still around and going in and out the house. But when they still stayed on well into the early hours Bismuth went straight over, knowing it could only mean one thing.

Garnet was there, sat half slumped on the sofa rubbing her eyes. 

"I heard you were back," Bismuth explained. "How is she?" But her gaze had already drifted, drawn over to the pale gem floating beside her. Pearl. Her gem was intact, having been rebuilt, but Bismuth could see the cracks still running all over the surface without looking too hard, an uneasy mosaic cast in a reddish glow from the bubble. The whole thing jumped away from her hand, drifting in the air as she reached out.

"She's not-" Words cut out in confusion. Healed. She should be back, she should be _here!_ Why wasn't she here? Couldn't they fix her? But that meant- a second glance to Garnet dug in her stomach as she registered the bags under her friend's eyes, too slowly hidden behind that visor. "Garnet?"

"She's okay. She just lost a lot of energy, taken a lot a damage. It took nearly everything Yellow Diamond had to pull her back."

"But she is back?"

"Just about." Garnet paused. "She's pretty fragile, tired and struggling to hold her form. She couldn't dissipate in that place; now she can her body's reacting the other way, disappearing back to her gem at any drop of emotion. With everything she's been through..." Bismuth didn't need the rest spelt out to her. She could barely imagine the pain and anger Pearl was in, so much was her own at what she'd been through, and yet even this could only be a fragment of what it felt to Pearl. To have so much feeling inside, and be unable to let it out...she couldn't let it out!

She was stuck in a bubble, she couldn't-! It boiled up within her.

"It'll take a while for her to recover. We bubbled her so she could get some rest."

She was supposed to be free! They had got her away from all that! She was supposed to be safe! But those gems had hurt her so much, what they had done...

Bismuth held every ounce of restraint she could muster, stiffening through. "Hey Garnet," she measured out each word, forcing it out through grit teeth. "You still got that lava pool?" A hand wave opened the temple door. "Thank you." Bismuth marched in with almost military precision until the red lines sealed shut.

She held barely held one a second more before letting out a silent roar, every inch of her emotion bellowing out into nothing, all that rage and fury swinging through the air.

And grief.

_PEARL_

She'd already been through enough. She didn't need this as well. What those gems did to her was unspeakable, mindless, immoral and perverse even for gems from their time, enough to turn the stomach of all but the staunchest Homeworld stooge. Yet they'd still done it. Pearl had told them it was over, told them that things had changed, and they'd still done it, taking gross pleasure in doing so too. It wasn't fair! 

Bismuth fell to her knees by the pool, head bowed, faint hisses of steam sporadically jumping up from the surface below.

It wasn't fair. 

She could still hear their laughter, tying in with Pearl's cries that still rattled around her head, and shivered. Stars! she needed to get a hold of herself. 

She went to scoop her hands into the lava and paused.  
Something moved behind her.

"Amethyst?"

She didn't answer, but something was here. Bismuth froze, waiting and watching to catch it again, listening intently to try and hear it's passage in the darkness. The rustling started up, a whispering flickering around her, faint and mocking in the air. "Who's there?" Bismuth whipped around, catching fleeting shadows at the corner of her eye. 

There was nothing there. The room was empty, Bismuth cursing being caught jumping at her own shadows.

She leapt back with a cry. There was a face in the lava, one she'd only seen on a small screen. Laughing. The scientists. But they were gone, Garnet had gotten rid of their remains, destroyed for good in the heat of the lava. This lava. But they hadn't, they were still here, biding their time, waiting to torment them still. Laughter echoed around her, and she stumbled away. "Where are you? Show yourselves!" She shifted her hands into heavy blades and turned, swiping at the air where she'd heard them, again and again but they eluded her. "Come and face me you cowards!" She wouldn't let them get away!

"Bismuth!"

"Garnet!" Bismuth glanced round, "the scientists, they got out!" She swung at the nearest rushing movement again and again, until she was left panting into the shadows. 

"There's no-one here."

"They're hiding, they came out of the lava, look!" She pointed to the pool, and the leering faces within. "See, they're there, they're-" Bismuth blinked and it was gone, the surface disturbed only by the bubbles that rippled as they emerged, blooping away with lazy regularity. 

"Bismuth, they're gone, for good."

"I-I just thought- they're still-" Bismuth stuttered, and faltered. The room was quiet, empty besides the two of them. It even had a bit of an echo once all the bubbles had gone.

Garnet came up and laid a hand on Bismuth's shoulder. "They're gone."

"I thought I could see them. It felt like they were here! Everything they did still is."

"Bismuth,"

"I know! but I also wanted them to come back, I wanted the chance to show them exactly what I thought! Get them taste of exactly what they were meddling with when they took a Crystal Gem!" She pulled away, pacing up and down.

"Bis-"

"I wanted to-!" Bismuth waved. Shatter them. She wanted to howl, scream, find those those gems and punch them, yet at the same time wished she could make them not have existed at all, tear reality and undo this from ever happening. She wanted to do something! Yet she only had tears. "You saw what they did to her!"

"I know."

She understood. They stood like that a while, serenaded only by the sound of the bubbles. Bismuth unconsciously clenched a fist, her mind still turning over.

"Bismuth, I know you won't want to hear this, but you need to go." 

No! Bismuth looked to her, pleading.

"Pearl needs rest. She needs stability. She doesn't need us charging round cursing and crying all this right now, because it'll only make things worse." 

"I can do that, I can be calm I just-" Bismuth choked off. 

"I know. Believe me, I want to get angry and storm and shout about this too, but we can't let ourselves get overemotional, for her, and I know how hard that's going to be for you. I know how much you care about her."

Bismuth couldn't speak. She was crying again.

"Listen; take some time, go to the forge or something and work this out in whatever way you need to."

"I want to be here, I want to help."

"It will help," Garnet assured her, "trust me, it will help, and this way when's she's ready to see you, you'll be ready too."

Bismuth nodded. "Alright." She wiped the last few traces of tears away, before glancing up at Garnet. It still hurt to be leaving, but this was for Pearl, and if this was what it took... (besides, there was a well equipped forge just ready for her to go wild in) she trusted Garnet's judgement.

"Hey," Bismuth paused at the threshold, drawing Garnet's attention once more. "Can't say I've ever had your self-control but... If you need to 'work it out', let off steam, or just escape for a bit and talk, come give me a shout. Anytime."

A pause, then a single nod.

It wasn't until she was nearly back in Little Homeworld that Bismuth realised she wasn't the only one holding back tears.


	4. Prompts 4 & 5:  Anxiety, and Cuddles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompts 4 and 5, Anxiety and Cuddles.
> 
> As Pearl worries about her situation, she gets an unexpected visitor.

This was a bad idea. Amethyst and Garnet had, after some time and a fair bit of asking, left her on her own, that grant of independance she was so sure she wanted. But once the simple day-to-day tasks withing the house were done, she was quickly finding her own company poor distraction. She couldn’t stop her mind turning back to the same things over and over again, each thought threatening her hold on her form. She needed something else, but there was another problem with all that too. 

So she was sat there, staring at the door. Beyond it Beach City beckoned, a whole pile of frivolous, glorious distractions and friendly faces. But not one of them had seen her like this, and Pearl's stomach writhed and turned again, flushed through her as she imagined the constantly turning heads, the whispered voices that would follow her. The gems would be even worse, because they’d Know. They knew she wasn't like that before. ‘Look at her,’ they’d say, ‘the careless pearl got broken, corrupted,’ why should we listen to her anymore? 

They would ask how. There’s no war, this is peacetime. Corruptions can be healed, and you weren’t corrupted before. You weren’t like this before. You were strong before. Pearl's breath caught. They would ask and she didn't think she could answer. They would ask and it would pull her apart. It already tried, the first shuddering tears escaping her. She couldn't go.

But that made it worse. There was nothing but this here! Herself, her memories… She could go for a walk. But they would see her, they would stare- Pearl closed her eyes, fingers digging into a nearby pillow. She could feel this all shifting inside her. She couldn't, she wouldn't-!

But all she could think about was world looking at her, laughing, mocking, 

“No, I’m not- I- I’m not…”

The crowds expanding at the noise, more and more of them seeing her, filling up the streets-

“No…”

-and the shops, filling the windows and staring at her like some creature in a zoo, tapping and leering through the glass.

"Pearl."

She could feel them staring, poking and prodding, ignoring her protests as they drew closer.  
‘Look, she’s cracked.’  
‘Is she going to fall apart?’

"Pearl!" The door rattled, snapping her attention up, blankly gazing at an expanse of grey until a rainbow flash ducked down, large hands fumbling around the handle.  
Pearl blinked, taken back by the appearance of the blacksmith. Bismuth seemed to notice her looking and paused.

Oh.

She could see her, and Bismuth was frowning, her face etched with concern and pity. 

Oh no, no, she couldn't deal with that, not now. Pearl was still fighting back a ball of tears, seriously considering leaping away into the Temple, or her gem when Bismuth smiled, the frown lines melting away into relief and she gave an awkward half-wave through the window. "Hey there," For a second she could just as well be passing by in one of their old rebel camps, that same old dopey smile. Bismuth shifted, hovering, waiting…

Oh! she should say something. Pearl blushed. "Hi."

Bismuth’s smile broadened. “It’s good to see you. I was beginning to worry there. Beginning to think you mightn’t notice me. Must be all this camouflage.” The jest brought a hint of a smile to her lips, and something softened in Bismuth, tension falling out her shoulders.

"Sorry, I wasn't expecting anyone."

"Don't worry about it." Bismuth pointed at the door handle. "Can I come in?”

"Oh, oh yes of course!" Pearl hopped up, almost skipping over to let her in, spending a little too long focusing on the handle as the blacksmith came past. "Sorry,” she apologised lightly, “my head was miles away.”

"No kidding. I thought I was going to have to break the door down there for a minute."

"I’m glad you didn’t. There’s been enough broken around here.”

"I could have fixed it!"

Pearl stayed quiet. It wasn’t the door she was worried about breaking. Loud noises had not been kind to her so far. Bismuth seemed to pick up on her sullen mood.

"Garnet said we should stay away, wait for you to come to us, but I had to see you. If you want me to leave you can just say, I don’t mind.”

“No, it’s fine.”

Was it? Even as she said it she was uncertain. She didn't want to be seen, yet Bismuth had seen her.

"If you keep pacing like that you're going to drill a hole in the floor."

Pearl stopped, hands waving through the air almost trying to keep the momentum going, trying to let it out, hold it in, put it into words, grasp at an answer as it curled around itself, the panic gripping at her and clouding her thoughts.

Then Bismuth was there, warm, large hands wrapping around her shoulders. "Hey, hey," Bismuth carefully drew her in. "What's up?" Pearl hiccuped, threatening to bring more than tears, her body rising with everything that happened. “Stupid question Bismuth. Hang on, you don’t have to answer that. Hug time.” Pearl let herself get drawn in, and stayed a while in there, burying her head into her enormous arms. It felt so secure, so _safe_. They stayed there a while and Pearl could feel the tension ebbing away from her. She found herself clinging on a bit longer that she ought to when Bismuth pulled back, a fleeting jump of worry that she would leave, heading towards the door after this brief welcome home.

But Bismuth turned instead, adjusted some cushions and settled into the sofa, patting the space beside her. “C’mere.” Pearl climbed in, wriggling into the inviting space, head resting on her shoulder, letting her eyes drift shut as large fingers absently started trailing through her hair. It was nice. They slowed, tracing strange patterns, zig-zagging across her skull. She felt the hand brush over something, a lump, a scar hidden from view, and tracking along it following the new ridge down towards her gem.

Pearl caught her hand, holding it away. 

“Does it hurt?”

Pearl paused.  
“No.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Can’t,” Pearl said matter of fact. “I can’t get emotional.”

“Okay. We don’t have to get into it.”

They laid there a little longer, Pearl’s mind racing. 

Bismuth saw her, Bismuth had seen her and hadn’t gone running. Bismuth had seen her and was glad to see her. Her hand played over the larger gem’s hands, fingertips running over her palm and into the deep crevasses between. It was so clean, so smooth, even the thicker parts, specially constructed over the points she might hold a tool, the sort specially made for a more delicate job. She had seen the scars, yet she seemed...curious.

“I don’t like them.” Even the few words felt like a risk, poking the sleeping ball inside her. And yet...if she couldn't do this...

“They remind you of everything that happened?”

Pearl nodded. “They tell everyone else. If they were just gone…” Pearl cut herself off, feeling the familiar well of emotion rise up, and the nervous quiver with it, trying to pull at her yet again.

“You’re worried what the others will think?” 

…

Yes. 

Pearl nodded. 

“Well, I can tell you exactly what they’ll think: ‘I’m glad Pearl’s back. Now she can resolve which is the better team, the Courtz Quartz, or the Slam-ethysts.’”

Pearl pulled away with a remonstrative slap to the arm. “Bismuth, be serious!”

“I am!” Bismuth kept going. “ ‘I’m glad Pearl’s back, we were worried something happened.’ ‘It’s good to see Pearl again, I hope she’d doing okay.’” Pearl pulled away, standing and stomping across the floor. “I’m serious Pearl, no-one is going to think badly of you just because you picked up a few scars.”

She paced from one side to another. When she finally slowed down, she realised Bismuth was still looking at her, still smiling. 

"Besides, I think they're cute."

"Cute?" Pearl blinked. She didn’t know what to make of that. 

"Okay, fearsome. Really brings out that renegade vibe, adds a splash of colour the old upper crust would hate."

"Hmm."

“I mean look at this,” Pearl wandered over, curious, and let Bismuth gently lifted her arm, fingers tracing over the peach-green spikes along the back of her elbow. There was a matching set the other side. “The quartzes all got socking great big horns but this? They’re so delicate, fine, and _sharp_ ,” she whispered the last part with reverence. “I’d kill to get some of my swords as well honed as this. You had bigger ones too, claws. Hoo boy, they were magnificent, and you didn't lose any of your fighting skills either!” She let out a whistle of admiration. “If Ruby hadn’t told me I’d have been able to recognize you from the fighting style alone.”

"I attacked you?"

"Not intentionally. We had to try and stay out of your way. You were _sharp_ as anything. Gave us a right run around. You didn’t lose any of your smarts when you were corrupted. Temper, maybe, but I’d say you had a pretty good reason for being grumpy at the time.”

“I don’t really remember it.” They settled down on the sofa again, this time Pearl tracing over the alien protrusions. She could see what Bismuth meant, and could feel a little of the worry disappearing away. 

She sat up, Bismuth looking over her shoulder.

“What’s up?” 

Pearl was rubbing her elbow. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Without a word Bismuth scooped her up under the arms, wrapping her and laying her back on top herself, arms dangling free over her own. “How’s that?” Pearl shifted, settling to one side. “Hm?” Bismuth prompted, after she went quiet.

“’s nice.” She could stay like this forever.

“You know, Garnet is going to kill me when she finds me here.”

“Shame(!)” She could feel Bismuth’s jaw drop open in scandal, and gave her her best cheeky smile, reassuring her of the joke. Bismuth coughed back a smile of her own, indulging in an overdramatic gasping and spluttering indignation that made Pearl smile even more, and laugh. 

Oh, she laughed! “Stop! Stop!” Bismuth was quick to comply, giving Pearl the space in an instant to let her settle, watching carefully. But to Pearl’s relief she didn’t fuss, and she laid back down once the feeling passed, her body resting back into itself.

“Alright, just the cuddling then.”

Pearl managed a nod. Her face ached, and her ribs too, even the deep parts of her that tried to take apart. But that faded quickly, and she felt… good. Glad. She laid her hand over Bismuth’s and gave it a squeeze. “Thank you.”


	5. Prompts 6-9: Afraid to sleep; blanket fort; lashing out; confession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompts 6-9: Afraid to sleep; blanket fort; lashing out; confession
> 
> Some tags for this one: Panic attack, anxiety, sleep deprivation, claustrophobia/buried/collapse.
> 
> Amethyst tries to help Pearl sleep.

It was quiet in the Beach house, the night dark beyond the windows. Amethyst laid out on the sofa, and beside her Pearl curled up, head buried into the backboard. She’d been doing okay, more or less (yes she’d popped in and out of her gem a fair few more times, but she was starting to be longer between them), but had been struggling with the effort of it all, almost falling on her face the last time she reformed. 

And she’d actually been in agreement that she needed sleep. 

Now that was something.

So here they were, just chilling out in the beach house. Behind her Pearl let out a little grunt and shifted, before settling again. Just chilling. Pearl twitched again, kicking out a little. She shifted again with a little huff. Amethyst had to hide a little smile. It was kinda cute. Until she twitched again, the movement resonating through the seat and leaving Pearl lying there, tense and blinking around her. She noticed Amethyst looking and let out a tight exhale, rolling over onto her other side.

“You should sleep.”

“I’m trying.”

“I mean it. You look terrible P.”

“Thanks(!)” Pearl sighed again, rubbing her gem before laying her head back against the sofa, eyes floating shut again as she drifted off once more.

Then flinched back into waking with a wordless gasp, eyes flickering back and forth.

“Hey, you’re still here.” Amethyst reached out and poked her in the shoulder. “Still you.” She paused. Pearl closed her eyes, then sat up.

“I don’t think this is going to work.”

Noooo, no she couldn’t give up on it like this- they’d barely started, spent all of five minutes trying. She knew Pearl had taken longer than this to settle down before, but the way she was avoiding her, holding onto herself… “What is it?” she asked tentatively, waiting, hoping her patience would pay off.

“They wouldn’t let me sleep,” Pearl finally explained. “Any time I was getting too comfy they’d-"

“-make you not.” Pearl grimaced at the answer but nodded, rubbing her shoulder. Amethyst sighed. It all made sense.

“I keep thinking that when I close my eyes they’ll pop up again. That they’re waiting.” Pearl huffed. “It’s silly. I keep anticipating them, and I can’t stop.”

“They’re gone. They can’t hurt you anymore.”

“I know. I know it’s not real really, that it won’t happen but that doesn’t help. Even though I know it’s not, even though I know they’re gone my body keeps doing it anyway. I need to sleep, but I don’t know if I can anymore. They’re still there.”

“Even more important you do then.” Amethyst stayed upbeat in the face of Pearl’s disbelief. “Yeah! If you can get to sleep even once, show yourself that nothing happens, that you’re safe, you can work that up into getting some proper rest!”

“That…might take a while.” Pearl watched as Amethyst hurried up and down, rummaging through the cupboards. “I’d have to get to sleep first. How am I supposed to do that?”

“I’d usually suggest hot cocoa and a movie, but we’ve already tried six of those, and you don’t drink cocoa…and to think of it, you don’t really sleep either. Didn’t really sleep. Hmm. We could do board games, buuut you’re already way too tired for that.”

“No I’m not, I can manage-”

“Pearl, you tried to give Greg a sock this morning instead of his keys.” Amethyst snapped her fingers, her eyes lighting up. “I know what you need!” She pulled out a couple of cushions, waving them through the air. “Pillow fort!” Pearl blinked as Amethyst threw them over and started dragging the cushions off the seats too, bundling them into the middle of the room. “You can’t not sleep when you’re surrounded on all sides by an impenetrable fortress of softness! Yeah! When we’re done no dream-stealing sneakies will be able to get in here even if they tried! Trust me, it’ll be great!” Pearl studied the pillow in her hands, considering. 

“Alright. If nothing else I suppose it’s something to pass the time.”

“Great!” Amethyst grinned. “Now help me get Greg’s mattress down.”

As the pillow fort grew into being, bolstered immeasurably by the number of dubious additions from Amethysts room, it became clear that it was more of a pillow palace than a mere fort, a luxurious yet cosy cubby piled with pillows and sweeping blankets, secured on all sides with thick mattress walls. A couple of tentatively placed and covered chairs even made _turrets._ Even Pearl had to admit it was rather impressive.

“Ah-ha! ‘ze building is complete.” Amethyst declared with a flourish and a bow. “Would milady care to try it out?” Amethyst gave another little bow and waved Pearl in, watching as she clambered into the already warm space inside, lost amongst the pillows. Pearl seemed to consider it a moment, before crawling back around to the entrance.

“So…what do you think?”

“It’s nice.”

“Nice?”

“It’s very impressive Amethyst. Quiet too. Soft.” Pearl seemed surprised at the concession, blushing a little.

“Sooo… are you gonna try and sleep?” 

“Erm…”

“Come on," Amethys wheedled, "at least try and rest, it’ll be better than nothing. And I went to all this effort…” Amethyst threw on the puppy-dog eyes for good measure (it always worked for Steven).

“Alright.”

“Yes!” Amethyst punched the air, before remembering her role. “I mean, Excellent. Now, can I interest Ma’am in a hot cocoa, or our fine choice of sleeping companions?”

Pearl spluttered and coughed a moment before registering the tray of cuddly toys. “Weren’t those Steven’s?”

Amethyst shrugged. “He didn’t want them.”

“I’m sure I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure? Don’t you want an extra blanket or…”

“No, really. But, thank you.”

Amethyst smiled, watching Pearl reluctantly drifting off as she settled into the soft mass, letting her head drop atop her arms. Her breathing steadied, gentle, flowing rhythm that became its own lullaby, nestled in this reassuring warmth and comfort of home. It was calm, it was quiet, it was safe. It was perfect for her. Amethyst perched herself outside, not wanting to disturb her, even though there was enough space for two. She looked so peaceful, wrapped in her own bundle of content. Amethyst sighed and settled herself. Another job well done.

Pearl flinched, the spasm rippling through her and waking her with a jolt and a yelp, arms flailing out catching the mattress wall and shunting it out of place. Amethyst leapt up too, hovering at the ready. There was a pause, Pearl panting as she tried to gather herself once again from the shock.

Ffffwoomp!

And the whole lot came crashing down on top of her.

“Pearl!”

Oh no. 

Amethyst stared at the pile. 

Oh _no!_

She dove in, already flinging away the closest parts, trying to get to her, trying to dig her friend out. “Please don’t poof, please don’t poof…” A pale hand shot out grabbing at the air, and Amethyst caught it, but the second came swinging after, landing clean on Amethyst’s nose, and sending her tumbling back. “Oof!” 

Pearl was really shifting now, writhing and fighting under the pile, distressed muffled cries coming from underneath. Amethyst dove back in, dodging limbs and trying to help release her, tumbling backwards as she caught hold under her armpits and pulled, spilling the two of them over the floor.

“Pearl-” Amethyst reached out to the sprawled figure, but Pearl flung herself to her feet, with another yelp, fists clenched. Something was wrong, her body shining and glowing along those scars, that warning sign to destabilization as it shifted and warped in unnerving bubbles beneath. “Pearl, Pearl, try and focus on me, you gotta concentrate, hold on!” But Pearl was wide eyed and unhearing, face blank with shock and still wildly swinging, the hooking fists nearly catching her face again. She caught one swing in one hand, then the other, then had to duck again, skipping away. Was that another arm?

“Pearl, listen, it’s okay, it’s safe, you’re out. You’re home.” Amethyst repeated herself, mind flicking back to the first few traces of Pearl they had tried to recover from her gem. She’d come back then, she’d find her way back now. “Pearl, it’s me, Amethyst. You’re home, it’s okay,” Pearl blinked at her. “It’s okay, it’s me. Focus on you, your form. You know who you are.”

“Pearl.” 

With a sigh Pearl folded to her knees, a rush of weariness writing itself over her face as the fight left her, the last few teardrops squeezed away. The glowing faded, and she settled back into herself again, arms already curling up around herself, slumped and resigned. 

But she was back. “Hey,” Amethyst called softly, without reaction. She dug around, hauling out a blue and stars blanket out the pile and wrapping it around her, carefully drawing it over her shoulders. “I’m sorry. About the fort. I should have been more careful, made it bigger or double checked it before letting you in there. But hey, you didn’t poof! That’s good right?”

Pearl curled the blanket tighter and turned away. Amethyst didn’t want to push her, but Pearl had been shifting, flowing and fighting along those strange cracks that covered her, almost…feral. She couldn’t not say anything. “Pearl, what happened there?”

There was a pause. “I don’t know. I just had to get away.”

“You didn’t poof.”

“No. It’s strange, in all that panic I felt…together.” Pearl scoffed, a bitter laugh at that. “It’s the most cohesive feeling I’ve had, every part of me wanting, feeling the same thing.”

“So are you saying it helped?”

Pearl shook her head. “No, it’s still trying to fall apart, worse than before. I’m so tired.” She turned to Amethyst, tears in her eyes. “I’m _so_ tired. I want to sleep, but every time I try, I’m woken. I want to be rid of these, but I can’t without stabilizing my form. I want to put this all behind me, but I can’t try to talk about it because every time I do, every time I want to shout and scream and cry I can’t, because they’ve taken that away too, because it’ll just send me back to square one over and over again, and I can’t escape it if I can’t let it go, and I can’t let it go if I can’t escape it and I’m stuck in the same old nightmare, left having to hold onto the pieces against all of this all the time and I’m so tired…!” Pearl broke off, tears flowing.

“Hey,” Amethyst wrapped her into a hug, “hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to do this alone. We’re here. We want to hold onto you too you know. If this isn’t working we’ll help you figure something else out, that’s okay. We said we were going to get you through this, and we are, however long that takes.” Pearl didn’t answer, but she didn’t seem to be destabilising again, which Amethyst took as a good sign. “Well, the fort may have been a bust, but just look at that; a big ole’ pile of soft stuff, perfect for snoozing, naps and dozing. Come on,” Amethyst held out her hand, “even if it’s more of a doze than a sleep, it’ll help.”

Pearl seemed despondent, but settled down on the pile, laying back into the mess and staring at the ceiling. After a moment Amethyst joined her, staring skywards too, her mind racing. 

She was still trying to figure through ideas that might help when Pearl poofed, closing her eyes as the rush of air from her friend blew over her.


	6. Prompts 10 & 11:  Crying, and PTSD

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Prompts 10&11: Crying and PTSD. 
> 
> Crying is more fully covered by chapter 31 of Hell, which slots in at the start of this chapter.
> 
> With Steven’s return, Pearl goes to her first therapy session.

When Pearl got back Garnet and Amethyst had news for her, or rather a proposition- seeing Steven again. Pearl was reluctant at first, knowing full well she would struggle to hold onto her form, but the others brought her round to the idea with nudges about his healing powers, about how he missed her and wanted to see her. Despite everything, there was still a part of her that wanted to see him too.

And she’d cried, waves upon waves of emotion flooding through her when they hugged, her walls crumbling away with everything that happened, sobbing away into exhaustion as he’d held on, his powers helping keep her from dissipating- for a while. Yet it couldn’t heal the damage, drawing more disappointed tears that, despite the attempts of reassurances from the others, Pearl couldn’t pull back from, escaping into her gem. When she returned it was right into the path of her first therapy session, something Steven had encouraged her to take up, insisting it could help. It had helped him after all.

Didn’t stop her feeling nervous, and there had been more than a couple of moments she didn’t think she’d be able to get to the meeting in the first place, her anxiety almost getting the better of her. Yet here she was, Garnet at her side, the reassurances from Steven that Holly (his therapist too- but Steven had assured her of patient confidentiality, and insisted it would be beneficial to have someone who already knew a bit about gems) was nice, very good at her job, and could definitely help Pearl. She looked at the brown-grey building dubiously. It looked a bit of a mess, a collection of plaques bearing the logos of multiple companies scattered by the door.

“Appearances can be deceptive.” Garnet lead the way in, forcing Pearl to keep up over her nerves as they wound back and forth through corridors and up stairs, eventually arriving in a quiet little waiting area towards the back of the building, the door across the room opening as they arrived.

“Pearl I presume?”

A flurry of introductions followed (Holly was her name), and they were quickly ushered into a small but well-lit office, every surface and side neatly tidied, two or three ferns tastefully dotted around for a splash of the outdoors. There was a CD player on one side, but it was quiet, a collection of ambient sounds left beside.

They started with the boring stuff, forms, privacy notices to sign, Pearl almost zoning out until Holly brought her back to the present with a ‘So,

“What do you want from these sessions?” Pearl blinked in surprise. She hadn’t really thought about it before, and it took a moment or to to even figure out where to start. Now she was thinking about it, she realised she hadn’t had the time to think about it because she’d-

Holly was still talking. “What do you want generally?”

Pearl swallowed and looked her in the eye. “I want to stop dissipating every five minutes. I want to be able to stay in my form for long enough for Yellow Diamond to get rid of these cracks. Two weeks she promised. If I can hold my form for two weeks...” Holly was nodding.

“That’s good. That gives us a very clear target to work towards. Is there anything else you would like? Garnet told me the very basics of what happened. Sometimes we can address the event itself, your thoughts and feelings around it, but that’s down to you. Do you want to talk about it?”

Pearl thinks it over. And nods. “So much.” Pearl licked her lips, suddenly hot and dry. “But I can’t,” her voice quivered, fighting to hold together once again, “because whenever I get too emotional I dissipate, return back to my gem.” 

“What’s that like?” Holly clarified as Pearl stared at her: “Dissipating.”

Once again Pearl found herself thrown by the question, the room lapsing into silence as they waited on her. What was it like? She’d never had to put it into words before. “Now or normally?”

“Both.”

Pearl found herself explaining both.

“Does dissipating usually help?”

Pause. What was she getting at? “It replaces the body, gets rid of damage,” Pearl explained, a little warily now.

“It can go wrong if it’s rushed, or force through.” Garnet's calm words eased Pearl’s nerves as she stepped in. “We lose some energy when we dissipate, but usually regain more whilst recuperating in the gem. If we return too quickly too often it can drain our energy supplies.”

“I can’t help it,” Pearl complained, “it just keeps catching me out at all the wrong moments.”

“Catching you out?”

Another nod. “Loud noises mainly. Doors banging, gulls squawking, that sort. It’s the surprise it just… sends me off.”

“That not normal?”

Pearl shook her head. “Usually we only dissipate in extreme cases- physical damage, or intense emotional moments but that’s a lot rarer, not normally this frequent at all.”

“Well, I think it’s safe to say you are feeling intense emotions a lot right now. It’s not unexpected or uncommon after going through something like this, and the stress is causing your body to react to otherwise normal situations in an exaggerated manner.”

“Steven…”

Holly nodded. “It’s not too dissimilar.” 

Pearl listened as she went through a bit more, talking about PTSD, going over some of the same themes and ideas that she had told them about Steven.

“-can worry about that later. For now I actually want you to think about your surroundings, think about what noises, what surprises could happen, make a mental list.” 

“Won’t that just make me more likely to dissipate? If I’m worrying about every single-”

“I’m not asking you to worry about them. I just want you identify and acknowledge them, then put them to one side. It’ll help you focus on the current things- start turning your mind onto the more realistic and less dangerous scenarios.”

“How often am I supposed to be doing this?” Pearl couldn’t imagine having to think about this every five minutes of the day.

“Whenever there might be something new that could alarm you, probably just in a general change of environment. Indoors to outdoors, quiet to busy. It’s really down to you- you don’t have to do it all the time, just have to remember here and there, and gradually build it up into a habit. After a while you should find yourself less likely to dissipate at these triggers.”

Triggers. Pearl swallowed. Little normal things that pulled her apart. But they were talking as though it was something that could be stopped, there were things she could do to stop them, help stabilize herself. Tears welled within her, pricking at her eyes.

“Pearl,” Garnet was there, rubbing her arm, trying to reassure her and Holy was reaching out, pulling something from a box on her desk. 

“It’s okay, here, have a tiss-“

Poof!

Dear Pearl,

I hope you are well after dissipating.

I had a further talk with Garnet afterwards; she answered some more of my questions about gem physiology, as well as a few I had about your symptoms to help guide your recovery plan. I hope you don’t mind, and I’m happy to clarify what we discussed when I next see you. I do think further sessions will be beneficial for you, if you’re happy to continue. If you wish to continue, please get in touch to arrange our next meeting, and we can start looking at a plan to move forward.

For now, there’s a few simple things I’d like you to get started on at home:

Set up a routine- Doesn’t have to be for every hour of the day, but make sure you include a number of tasks and activities you’d normally do, and do them on a regular basis at a regular time.

Exercise! I know it doesn’t have the same health implications with a Gem as it does for a Human, but in your case I believe it will be beneficial. Anything requiring extended co-ordination can help you regain a sense of familiarity with yourself, but make sure you start slowly- try to avoid overexerting yourself and wearing yourself out. Whatever you settle on, be sure to include it in your routine.

And finally; a mental exercise to help you build resilience (as discussed in the session): before you go anywhere, take a moment to yourself think of possible noise triggers in that environment that could dissipate you. Acknowledge them as possibilities, but then set them aside and carry on as normal. This should help rebuild familiarity with common things and reduce stress. Don’t worry about trying to cover everything- even thinking about one or two each time will help. 

I appreciate how hard it can be taking that first step, especially for such an unfamiliar environment, so thank you for coming. I want to reassure you that it’s perfectly okay if you ever need to dissipate in the meetings. Whilst the practical aspects are a little different, many of our clients often cannot manage to the end of every full session for emotional reasons or needs to take multiple breaks within the session itself, especially towards the start of therapy. This is perfectly normal for anyone. In any of our sessions we won’t take you any faster or slower than you’re comfortable with, and we will give you as much time and space as you need, when you need it, you just have to ask.

You should book your next session once you’ve read this (if you choose to continue). I appreciate the difficulty pre-scheduled sessions would pose for you, so you should try to schedule them for 3-7 days after you reform at a time convenient to you. Garnet has all the contact details for you.

If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to get in touch,

Best Wishes,  
Holly S.

Pearl finished the letter (an actual letter, printed mind, but on thick paper with a letterhead and everything) and tapped at the sheet. 

“She doesn’t mind?”

“Nope,” Garnet said, lounging by her side.

“Soo…” Amethyst asked, perched on the edge of the sofa, “are you gonna go back?”

Pearl read the letter again, pausing by the suggestions Holly had made. She spoke of other plans too, possibilities, hope… But she was more likely to dissipate there, regularly cutting into her recovery time and putting her weaknesses, everything on show- oh but Steven had so wanted her to do this! It was hard, but then, all of this was hard already.

What did she have to lose?

“Yes,” Pearl declared, surprising herself with more confidence than she felt. “I think I will.”


	7. Prompt 12: Therapy/emotional Support Animal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl's struggling with therapy, Lion's being a nuisance, and an unlikely hero steps up to help her out.

Pearl slammed the saucepan down on the side a little harder than usual (not hard enough to break it of course, that would be reckless), but enough to try and let off a little bit of steam. 

Therapy was not really going that well. Well it was, and it wasn't. She'd gone back, but every time she had, she had dissipated before the session was up, rendering any progress she might have made in between irrelevant. She'd thought she'd been improving, managing week to week without dissipating with more ease, but what difference did that make if she was guaranteed to dissipate at the end of it, with no chance of extending her record? She'd gotten into arguments, wanting to skip the sessions just so she could make that two week target and get this (she shuddered a little) mess sorted above everything else. But that didn't help either. In fact, on averages, she was getting worse, each time she reformed afterwards becoming more and more unstable, tears and anger building and tearing her apart when she tried to express her frustrations, a vicious cycle she was seeing little hope in escaping.

They tried, the others. They tried to understand, they tried to be understanding, but Pearl could feel their patience slipping away.

She'd reformed in the therapist's room last time, Pearl's pent up rant disappearing into confusion as she realised where she was. She found herself answering the questions Holly inevitably had about reforming, the different forms she had, why she did or didn't change them even as her own mind raced. Why am I here? Why didn't I reform earlier? She should have reformed earlier.

"Why did you dissipate?" Holly finally got round to the question, calm and nothing more than curious. But it was the one on all their minds, their disappointment hidden behind stern looks, though from Holly that had directed towards Garnet, an unusual flash of anger at the fusion when she'd realised why she'd brought Pearl here like this. "You should really be talking to each other. You can't use me as your go-between whenever you feel communication is breaking down between you."

Pearl stayed silent. Why did you dissipate? Truth was it was an accusation, not a question, and surely she already knew. If not, then Garnet was perfectly capable of telling her if she hadn't already. Pearl couldn't and let her head drop, eyes wet and warm, unable to bring herself to speak. She barely listened as their voices washed over her.

Pearl had dissipated. Pearl had dissipated at a point she could have hung on, worked a little harder and stayed around. But she didn't want to face another argument. She didn't want to play the same game over and over and over again, getting nowhere. 

"We need to change it up. You need to talk about what happened, what you're feeling otherwise it's going to keep building up like this, it's going to keep getting worse. You need to communicate, both of you, even if-"

"How? How am I supposed to talk about this without-!"

"-it makes you dissipate."

"!"

-

Some things didn't change.

It had been their shortest session yet. Holly had called her once she'd reformed, full of ideas and extolling the virtues of talking it out, even as Pearl shot each of them down. Write it down, she'd suggested. Even if it's a few lines each time it'll help. You need to find some controlled way to let this out.

Perhaps it would, but Pearl could hardly fathom how to put it into words in the first place. 

Thump, thump, clank. The pile went back in the cupboard, another finished task. Another step closer to the blank page that sat on the coffee table and at the back of her mind. She knew she needed to talk, but she couldn't face someone, she could barely pick up the pen without feeling overwhelmed. She didn't want to dissipate, but she didn't want to stay stuck like this forever either, caught in agonising silence. She could feel it all clinging to her again, tightening its grip around her. Her fingers dug into the countertop as she frantically tried to think of something else.

What's next? There was something, something she could do! 

Breathe, routine. Search for the familiar.

Laundry! She could do the laundry with her hands behind her back at this point, acting on automatic as old muscle memory kicked in. There was always something unclean lying around. Mind focused once again she got to work, huffing as her leg twinged halfway up the stairs. For all the cracks that now covered her, for some reason this was the only one that decided to sometimes hurt, pushing her into an ungainly limp when she tried to be up and about for too long. She already knew better than to push through it, and sat herself down for a minute.

There came a scrabbling at the door, large paws pulling down against the woodwork.

Ugh.

Lion.

The pink beast had been hovering around the house more than usual over the last couple of weeks, hauling in sand and half eaten lizards, and generally making a mess of Steven's (and Greg's) things. She'd had to return MC Bear-Bear no less than six times, including washing and repairing it at least twice. Pearl didn't bother answering the door. It was little use against the whims of a creature that could teleport wherever it wanted. Lion let out a whine and scuffed against the door again.

"I'm not feeding you."

He let of a mrow of protest, and Pearl huffed and went upstairs, almost leaping out of her skin when she saw the creature on the balcony, watching her through the glass. But she turned her back and kept focused on the task at hand, and soon to be on hand.

It was quiet up there high above the beach, a space, Pearl reasoned, too small for Lion to jump onto. But she kept catching sight of him out the corner of her eye, a pink flash still watching, hovering around. She wondered if Steven knew he was here. 

Back in the house Pearl settled down with a not too old newspaper to read, ready to lose herself in its human mundanity, but after the first couple of articles she once again felt like she was being watched, and flipped down the sheet to catch the culprit. She frowned, picking out (after a second) pink and white lines not entirely hidden behind the slight partition where room and cave met. Lion. Probably after that bear again. Hopefully he wouldn't try anything stupid.

Pearl went back to the paper (a juicy article arguing over the cost of fishing permits). On a hunch she snapped it down, this time catching Lion in full view near the warp pad, frozen with a single paw raised off the ground. She waited, watching him pointedly. He held still, doing a very good impression of a stuffed animal, one of those taxidermy replicas the humans seemed to like filling their museums with. 

"I can see you you know." Lion didn't respond, and after a few testing glances, Pearl went back to the paper. Five...four...three...two...

Predictable. She caught him again, and again, each time the creature freezing when she looked, but creeping closer the second she turned her attention away.

"What _are_ you doing? Steven's not here you know." Lion didn't answer, and she waved at him. "Shoo! Stop bothering me!" He stayed put, and Pearl idly wondered whether that dimension in his mane took up some of his brain too. She tried to take a step back towards the sofa, still shooting side-eye at the creature as he mirrored her. "Euueagh! Can't I read in peace around here?!" Lion let out a yawn and flicked an ear. "Go on! SHOO!" Pearl waved again, and the lion finally retreated a few paces. Cautiously she sat back down, and returned to her paper, checking again, just to be on the safe side. Lion was where she had left him, sat in the middle of the house. 

She'd barely gotten a few lines further when there was a large soft thump. Pearl jumped and looked around. Lion had disappeared from view, though she could swear he hadn't-  
She looked down. The pink mane was sticking up from behind the coffee table, the rest stretched out on his belly across the floor. Pearl closed her eyes.

A deep groaning shriek, the heavy grind of woodwork on woodwork scraped across in front of her as the coffee table shifted, shunted out of the way by the large and unsubtle lion now attempting to slide his way up the gap between it and the sofa, creeping forward inch by inch, stopping each time Pearl winced, dragging the whole process out. Pearl held tight, every second hoping and waiting for him to leave, knowing Lion had always lost interest in her before. She'd never made a secret of what she'd thought of the creature, and now this silly game was sealing her opinions well into 'unwelcome'.

A cold nose brushed against her hand and she leapt up, springing away from Lion in an instant with a yelp. They stood, looking at each other, Lion gazing up with wide eyes at Pearl from his furniture sandwich. He blinked, slow, ominous and unfaltering, then stood up, catching the table and toppling it over entirely with a nerve wrangling loud clatter.

"Oh-!" Pearl cut off her cry as Lion seemed to twitch towards her for it, pausing on edge as they watched each other, hunter and prey. Pearl held still, waiting...he let out a mrow and ducked his head towards her, lunging for her hand, forcing Pearl to hop backwards, her nerves pounding as she was herded this way and that again and again as she tried to keep the creature out of range. "No! Go away!" But Lion was persistent, and Pearl hit the wall, hands, skittering along woodwork for the doorhandle she knew had to be nearby. Panic rose within her as the space shortened and her hand still found nothing but wall. She babbled away, trying to distract the lion, distract herself and push him away, something to get him away. But it was to no avail, and Lion thrust his nose into her stomach, bouncing her into the wall with a gasp and pinning her in place, the impact shocking her through the back and sending her falling onto the mane in surprise.

No!

In a second she was crumbling, trapped and caught again by the overwhelming mass of memories.

No!

Pearl's mind went white, cold floods of desperation coursing through her, drawing raw tears. No! Not again!

"nono no NO!" Pearl flapped at the animal with wild shrieks, scaring him back, and letting her stumble forward. No, no NO! Pearl kept going waving and berating, even batting a hand to the nose. "Bad Lion!" 

Lion let out a little mrow! and backpedaled a bit more, almost sitting up on his hind legs as this bundle of sticks and fury advanced upon him. He ducked down towards her but that only drew another tirade, the warning barks running loud and shrill as she herded him to the door. "Out! Get out get out get out get-"

"...OUT!!" The door slammed shut, Lion on the other side. The sound reeled through her head and her nerves pounded, every inch of her on edge against this threat. Pearl's breath caught, her chest tight. Her cheeks tinged with a coolness as she stood, trying to regroup, her hand quivering in the air. Tears dropped with jagged gasps, and the shaking gripped her, turning her limbs into jelly. She listed against the doorway, propped up on the warm firm varnished woodwork, then slid down it, pressing into the firm reassurance of the floor as well. She wasn't sure how long she was there for, curled up crying against the door, visions full of the oversized maw and mane of the corruption she'd been trapped with, memories of chains, and desperation holding her tight.

"Pearl," 

The sound of tapping against the door barely registered, fuzz in the background noise of her mind.  
A touch on the arm drew her out. "Pearl, I'm here." Pearl blinked up at Garnet crouching before her, visor gone. A hand brushed up against Pearl's face, gently wiping the tears away. They didn't stay gone. "It's okay, you're safe." She tilted her head, etched with concern. "Something happened."

"Er," Pearl sniffled, trying to compose herself. "Mm. I just..." she waved a hand, trying to encompass everything the room, the coffee table, heart falling as she realised it was made no sense, the beliggerant feline already absent. "Lion was here. Gave me a bit of a fright." Garnet raised an eyebrow. "Ugh, he's..." Pearl waved a hand through the air, trying to summon the words over the lump in her throat. "He's been a bit pushy recently. Hanging around the house a lot. I...can't get him to leave." Garnet looked around the room pointedly. "I scared him off this time. I just-" More hand waving, sketching out the lion's face, just so _big_. More tears.

"You were scared." 

Pearl's face flushed "I was stuck." She wasn't scared of that pink thing, but, it was just- "he just caught me against the wall, the c-corruption, I thought...I..." but Garnet was nodding along now, holding up a hand, relief flooding through Pearl as understanding finally dawned on the fusion's face.

Garnet wrapped an arm around her, rubbing down the little hiccupped sobs Pearl still couldn't hold at bay, staying until the tears had settled. "It's okay. It's gone."

"I'll have a word with Steven, make sure he keeps Lion away." 

Pearl nodded, back on the sofa, hands pausing as they twirled over each other. "Thank you." It would be much easier without worrying about having that thing on her heels all the time. Pearl exhaled, letting some of the stress rush away into the air. She glanced up. Garnet was still here, watching Pearl with an unreadable look. "Uh," Pearl started, nerves pinging at her again. "What is it?"

Garnet didn't answer straight away, head tilting to one side, unreadable beneath her visor.

"You didn't poof."

Pearl had struggled after, wrestling with a weird bouncing exhausted elation from that revelation that threatened to take her over the edge itself, eventually lying down on the sofa to try to rest. Her mind raced. She didn't dissipate. That singular moment when the nightmare rose in her face she'd held together, and beaten it back. But she was so scared, acting on instinct not agency, running on the same nerves she'd ridden day in day out to escape. But she'd held together. How? How was it that this was what worked? How could she manage if abject fear was the only thing that worked? How did she know it would work again, that it wasn't a one off? How did she not dissipate? All that emotion...

Her head hurt, and she ducked down, burying into the cushion.

The calm click of the door stirred her, one of their own using a key. Garnet?

"Pearl; good." It was Garnet. "I need you to keep an eye on Cat Steven for a while."

The cat? Before she could object the feline had been deposited on the sofa with her, filling the gap between her and the backrest. With an equally befuddled meow. Pearl blinked at the cat around the blanket, and she let out another little mew in response. "I suppose." A cat. That pretty much meant food, and not disturbing her when she was asleep. Simple enough. Pearl waited to see what she would do as Cat Steven looked around.

After climbing up after Garnet a little as she left, paws tentatively balancing against Pearl's ribs (that awkward in between of being hard enough to be noticeable, and light enough to almost be ticklish), Cat Steven circled back round and settled down, ignoring Pearl completely in a curled up ball between her chest and the sofa, sleeping. Well, that suited Pearl just fine, comfy and settled enough herself. As time ticked on Pearl found herself watching the cat, following the slight rise and fall of the chest that provided that familiar reassuring pattern of life. As it went up the furs split apart, catching the whites and browns in the light as they drifted through the air, before contracting again, sinking into the thick bundles that would insulate her from the chill outside, and keep her warm. Yet Pearl could feel it; warmth, sinking through the blanket and ebbing away from its source. Humans, mammals, these organic creatures always got cold so easily...

She didn't get a chance to shift the blanket, as an all too familiar crackling mrow! ripped into reality behind her, somewhere over towards the temple door. Pearl froze up, dread dripping through her in tight knots, hot on the the heels of all too fresh and raw unwelcome memories. Garnet was supposed to talk to Steven, get him to keep Lion away! But then, he'd never had that great control over him even on a good day. She held still, rattling through her options as Lion padded nearer. Perhaps he would just leave, but a deep huff that snuck through to her scalp and made her shiver told her otherwise, his presence looming over her. She drew the blanket further over her head, burying herself in the darkness beneath.

Cat Steven let out a loud disgruntled meow as her snoozing was disturbed, climbing up to observe the culprit, then leaning back down to investigate the shaking Pearl, nose and whiskers twitching here and there. She seemed to settle on Lion again, stood tall propped up on Pearl as her tail flicked in conversation. At least Pearl presumed they were communicating, various grumbles coming between the two of them.

Lion shuffled, huffing again, Cat Steven balancing on Pearl with one paw for a moment with the slightest of wobbles. She wondered what they were saying. Cat Steven jumped forward, a tight flinch, and let out a warning mewl. Pearl's mouth dropped open. She had never heard her do that before! Apparently neither had Lion, and there was a bump as he backed into the coffee table again, then more silence. Pearl held her breath. 

Another portal roared into being and, like waves washing flat the churned up beach he was gone, a rushing silence flooding the space behind. Pearl let out a shaky breath, nerves pounding after the encounter that too familiar and far unwelcome tug growing within herself in response, threatening to fall apart. Pearl curled her arms around herself. This was ridiculous! It was just Lion. Whilst she'd certainly had a rocky start with the creature, she'd gotten along well enough (in a distant sort of way), and respected everything Lion had contributed to the team- in fact she was glad of how he always managed to look after both Connie and Steven, pulling them, and the rest of the Crystal Gems out of more than one sticky situation. It was just...after everything that happened, she didn't want him in her face right now. 

The thought seemed to settle her somewhat, her worries opened in words and easing away. It could have been worse. Pearl peeked out from under the blanket. Cat Steven was there, sat neatly cleaning herself as though nothing had happened, but it had. Her intervention had saved Pearl from the stress and embarrassment of being sniffed back to her gem in fright. She'd saved her, bravely standing up to the lion more than ten times her size and sending him off without a second thought. Her own knight. Pearl wondered whether the cat had been simply been marking her territory, Lion getting on her nerves as much as Pearl's. Yet those two usually got on well. Ever since they met Lion had taken on a caring role over the cat, and the two could often seen playing or napping together. But here Cat Steven was, claiming space of her own. 

Claiming her? Or just the sofa and a quiet place to sleep? Pearl had never truly spent time alone with the cat before beyond occasional cleaning or feeding duties, and she never got beyond completing the basic practicalities. There was very little interaction, and that suited Pearl just fine. The overt displays of affection and cuddling Garnet and Steven indulged in seemed frivolous for such an independent creature, even a ringing a little uncomfortable at times. Yet here the cat had helped her immensely, looking after her at just the right moment when it was supposed to be the other way round.

"Thank you."

As soon as she said the quiet words she felt silly. The cat could hardly understand, yet she paused, looking at Pearl with a flick of the ear, turning to her with a meow. Pearl knew there needed to be something else, another language, some demonstration of her gratitude. She had seen Garnet and Steven stroking the appreciative cat many times before, but had never tried herself, and paused, hand raised, trying to recall exactly what the others had done. What if she did something to upset her, or scare her off? Hesitation held her as her mind raced. 'Don't go for the belly'. 'She likes being scritched around the ears'. Cats are most sensitive around the-

Tired of waiting, Cat Steven stepped forward and pushed her head into Pearl's hand, leaning into her palm, ears pressing down as they folded under, then popping up again as she cleared. Pearl's eyes widened as the cat stretched up again, to rub her cheek along her hand and kept going with a meow, brushing all the way along with a reaching arching back.

She was _so_ soft! Pearl had heard the others cooing such over her but had always attributed it to fur generally being soft. But this was _soft_ soft, a fine fluffy warmth you could press into and barely feel, a condensed cosy that drew you in again and again with delicate shifting sensations. She could see the appeal, and the to the cat it would be akin to primitive grooming. No wonder they liked it.

A little meow drew her attention back to the half vertical cat trying to draw her arm back down with a paw and Pearl obliged, sinking her long fingers into the fur and running them down and over her back again and again, the long mesmerising strokes soothing the cat and bringing a look of serenity to the cat as she watched to see what she preferred.

Mmmrrrr.

Oh. 

_oh_

The little purr of contentment melted her, giddy confirmation that she was doing something very right, that Cat Steven was happy. She could have run off at any point after all, but chose to stay in this company.

Pearl paused with a little gasp, holding back the tears, trying to get a handle on this filling wave of...relief? Happiness? A giddy undefined bundle of emotion, a warm confusion that, like the others, tried to take her apart as everything raced on this high. Excitement. Thankfully it was easier to hold together when it was just a matter of calming. She half focused on the feline before her, trying to settle into a calmer meditative state, collecting her shifting self. Cat Steven crouched and sniffed at her, then jolted her abruptly back to the present with a headbutt to the chin.

"Hey, hey," Pearl gently scolded, scooping her away a little, just enough to get her out her face. "I'm here." Her fingers worked, once again stroking and calming the small concerned cat. Cat Steven ducked to sniff at her again, her little nose twitching as she searched up and down. "I can't smell that interesting," Or, thought Pearl, of much of anything at all. Their light forms just didn't have the scope for it. Pearl glanced down, biting back a sigh as she saw the tell-tale white lines that snuck onto her form yet again, brightening as they threatened to grow. Cat Steven let out a meow, shifting back and forth, from head to chest, nose reaching from one to another. "It's okay," Pearl focused back on the cat, giving more head rubs. "I'm here." It was strange, talking to a cat, knowing she couldn't answer yet somehow feeling she understood anyway. At least, she understood more than Pearl thought she could. Cat Steven was watching her. 

"I'm supposed to be keeping an eye on you, you know!" she half jested. That definitely went over the cat's head. Pearl lifted the blanket, offering the shelter beneath it. Cat Steven yawned, pacing around in a tight circle before flopping down and laying out against Pearl's chest, the rich warmth reaching through her coupled with heart soothing quiet rumbling purrs. It was a strange company, but this time, not unwelcome. Cat Steven shifted back to gaze up at Pearl, who duly continued to provide head scritches until her eyes started to close, and the two of them stayed like that, dozing the night away.


	8. Prompt 13: Baking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting into the swing of things, Pearl works to ensure Steven the perfect send off on his last day at home.
> 
> Warnings: triggers, resurgent trauma, breakdown, self projecting, graphic depictions of murdered pastry.

The house was abuzz, elbows clashing as everybody bustled round, trying to help clear away the feast. Pearl bat Amethyst's hand away from the oven, and the golden pies inside. 

"They're not done just yet. Go help Greg," she said. Amethyst pouted up at her. "The plates'll need scraping." Amethyst darted off giving Pearl enough space to focus on the custard at last, this small offering also made from scratch. There was also cream, and ice cream. You never knew what temperature accompaniment would be preferred, and she wanted this to be just right, another big send off for Steven. They'd already indulged in all his favourite foods, and his request to spend the day baking with her was an unexpected thrill, spending the whole morning elbow deep in various flour, butter and sugar mixes, cutting out cookie shapes, making jams and pastries too. She might not be one to eat herself, but she was always going to be sure to send him off laden with treats for the road.

It was a good distraction, full of smiles and laughter. She was getting better at that. The days seemed to flow a little easier now; taking on more of the care of Cat Steven gave her something else to focus on, and she was spending more time indulging in time with the cat, providing scritches, lazing around together letting her sleep on her lap. There were even a couple of occasions when she had neglected some of her other tasks (including cooking!) in favour of the feline. But nobody seemed to mind, approving of the progress and encouraging her new friendship, her therapist included. Holly had got Pearl to start practicing talking to the cat about some of the more... unsettling, or difficult parts of her experience, the comfort of the cat and assurance of no unnerving responses another sliver of freedom, another vital part of the rebuilding process.

There was hope, and promise. But for now she had a feast to finish. The timer beeped, snapped silent with methodical precision and Pearl crouched, folding down neatly to check the pies. Perfect, the barest hints of rich cherry filling seeping up into the vent holes, bright sparks of colour across the golden brown. She pulled them out, a hot wave of rich scent washing over her.

"They look so good P!" 

She ignored them, instead opting to decant the custard into a ceramic jug as the bubbling pies settled, barely able to hide her satisfied smile as they complained about having to wait. She'd take her moment later to tell Cat Steven all about it, an impermanent diary, and slightly more credible method than talking to herself. Right now the kitchen wasn't the best place for a cat, and she'd been relegated to the outside and bedroom whilst they cooked, lest she tried to snaffle something that might make her ill. Pearl almost hummed to herself with a smile. The day had gone so well, even Amethyst's usual antics hadn't even been able to dent her mood, and she hadn't had any blips (she'd started calling them blips, a reminder that they wouldn't be there forever) to put her astray, all the focused effort pulling her through the long day. 

"Garnet, would you give me a hand?" Garnet grabbed a pie as Amethyst hooted and banged on the table, leaving Pearl with the second, the better of the two and the glowing cherry crown on this day. Even the pastry had come out perfectly formed, she thought proudly, the dish rounded with mathematical precision and a extra cherry cutout added on top.

Beaming, she turned to follow Garnet and the room seemed to dip and catch, everything within her and without tossing up in a half second of giddy miss-match that made her stumble, leg jarring against the floor. The pie skipped forward, slipped beyond her fingers in a instant and tumbled, flicking crumbs as it turned a full revolution over and landed with a crash on the floor, skidding with a little bounce to a ringing stop.

She stared.

Crumbs scattered across the floor, pink spatters dotting streaks here and there away from where it lay, propelled out from the casing. Somehow, impossibly it had landed the right way up, the entire pie still there in the tin. But the lid was covered in thick dark cracks, spread spiderweb across the surface, shifting as it settled, gaped holes already yielding into the filling below.

Shattered.

Broken.

She stared, tight air caught in her throat.

With a dull splat a large chunk of the lid collapsed into itself, a whole half of the top deforming and falling apart, departing ever further from its perfectly curved outline. 

She stared.

The cherry decoration turned, slowly pulling away from the center and fell, splotting down in the middle. Rich pink crept upwards, filling seeping over the edges of sinking crust and pulling the cherry piece from view.

No!

She was on her knees her hands ghosting around the shell, trying, searching for some way to fix this, put it right. No no no no no! 

Broken.

Ruined.

She tried to scoop all the pieces back together, desperately dragging crumbs through fresh damp patches as her tears fell.

Broken

"Pearl, Pearl! Hey,"

She kept going, lifting the chunks, trying to pull fragments of the lid back into place, as if it were some jigsaw she could resurrect on a whim. But it kept falling apart, the pastry crumbling even further in her hands as they shook.

Broken

No!

"It's okay, hey, hey," hands came over hers, trying to stop them fluttering and she batted them away.

...clumsy silly mistake all that effort wrecked how could she be so careless it's broken it's broken it's broken-

_"broken..."_

Her fingers clenched into the remnants.

_Ruined._

"Pearl, it's okay, we can still have it like this."  
"Just cosmetic."  
"Yeah, I bet it tastes just as good-"

Wrong

"no," 

Couldn't they see?

"Just let go for me,"

Can't

"-broken," broken, " _broken_. No!" Why couldn't they understand? It wasn't right! She could feel strong arms around her, pulling her up and away, more hands pulling the tin from her grasp. "No, no!"

"Pearl, it's okay, it's okay!"

No, no! It isn't! It wasn't-! "It's not right! We can't- it's not-!" She scrabbled against them, wriggling, pummeling, flailing. It was wrong! It was WRONG!

No!

_BROKEN_

Their voices swirled around her, a dizzying whirling storm that sent the world askew.

**_BROKEN_ **

She could hear a cry.

.

.

.

.

_broken..._  
...  


-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I. Feel I ought to say am still working to finish these, with a loose end date of Easter (maybe sooner- I am trying out a new organisation/regular writing system to manage my WIPs, so we'll see how that goes)


	9. Prompt 14: Road trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the incident with the pie, Garnet and Amethyst take Pearl on a road trip to try and help her get away from it all. But she goes quiet, barely saying a word as she takes stock.
> 
> Panic attack, minor hallucinations, Pearl's mentally not in a great place and is trying to figure things out.

Pearl stared out the window. Beyond her gaze the world slipped by, houses, fields, open plains and covered forests left unnoticed in her melancholy. She'd barely said a word since she'd reformed, finding herself out in the middle of nowhere with just Garnet and Amethyst for company. Road trip, they had told her as though nothing was the matter. It was just time to get away from Beach City, have a change of scenery.

Amethyst had tried to pile the enthusiasm on in the van, blaring music, trying to get them into sing alongs, but they all fell on flat ears. Even her usual antics were unable to get a rise out of Pearl, and eventually she'd fallen into silence too, leaving the rumble of the engine and the modulated growl of tires over tarmac to serenade Pearl's thoughts, and the singular truth that wallowed within them

She'd fallen apart again. One slip and she'd been sent straight back to the start, everything she'd built, weeks of effort torn away, walls she had leant on little more than a stack of cards, vain papering over cracks to call it progress.

And they all saw her, those desperate moments panicking over _pastry_ proof she had simply been pretending all this time.

She was still broken, and they knew it.

And she hated it.

Her mind ticked over, picking itself through every fault and misery, trying to find her defense for when the others finally turned and asked her what happened, only to find time and time again that. she had none. So she stayed silent, hiding away from the confrontation, devoid of energy or inclination to broach it.

Day turned to night. They kept driving. And driving, and driving. She had no idea where, and neither Garnet nor Amethyst had said. For a while she found she didn't care, but dawn came, and as another unfamiliar scene was revealed she finally lifted her nose to Garnet to ask.

"Where are we going?"

"Away."

There was a long silence, Garnet's attention still on the road. Away. That same old word that told her nothing. Away could be anywhere, and nowhere.

Away. 

_Away_

But it felt right.

Pearl played it over. Away was such a nice place to be, there was something so free about it, the ability to just leave things behind. Away from the past. Away from hurt, from memories, from prying eyes.

Away from mistakes.

Pearl suddenly felt very small. 

"How far?"

"As far as you want. Just say the word."

They drove on. 

She watched out the window a little more now, the scenery rolling past through day and night again, and a seemingly endless collage of trees and mountains, fields and arid desert, with the occasional bright bustle of towns in between, catching curious snippets of other lives. They only stopped for fuel, and as Pearl stayed in her silence they found mile after mile after mile left behind them. She had control over when they would stop, when they would finally pull over for their camp out, but it was never quite right, never quite there, and they rode on.

Then the van conked out, eased over to the side of the road in a pile of steam. The others got out to investigate, their invitations to her to join them left unanswered, and the van went dark as they started rummaging beneath the bonnet.

It was quiet. 

She could hear them chatting away beyond the window, something about overheating, but they were separated, almost a world away out there. She thought she didn't mind; they'd stopped plenty of times for fuel, but soon the space began to stifle, too empty, too tight, too still. Waiting, and not waiting. She could feel it, the edges of the world trying to slowly draw them back, following echoes building up behind her, reminders of everything that had happened biding their time to catch and crash over her once again. 

Away. Her breath caught, shifting unease. They had to get away. Her hands skated over the buckle, the seatbelt still fixed in place half propping her up, and she stopped, catching herself in her panic and yielding limp against it with a sigh.

There was nothing behind them. Just empty road, this phantom fear another sign of symptom of a troubled mind. She was falling apart... just like she did with the pie.

What was happening to her? 

She closed her eyes, fighting against the mass of emotion that welled up, yet again threatening to overwhelm her, threatening to dissipate her in a moment of weakness and fear. No! She wouldn't, couldn't let this happen again! She couldn't do this again, couldn't fall apart-! But the fear and panic grew even more.

She inhaled, breath catching, held it, and exhaled, trying to let all the panic run out with it like she'd been shown, then did it again, and again. It was rushed and uneven, but the action drew it's own rhythm, forcing herself to slow and concentrate taking more and more of her focus. It kind of worked, at least it worked enough to open her eyes again. And she saw herself, messy, tearful, unkempt in the window, still such a stranger littered with cracks and sorrow.

She turned away from this ghost, this shadow, this spectre. That wasn't her. And it was. Broken, falling apart. It rushed back, the waves reaching up to overwhelm her yet again. No! _It wasn't her! This wasn't right!_ She clung on. 

She just wanted this to go away.

It clamoured around her and she clung on unable call out, the slightest word threatening to break this tenuous grip she had on herself. Fear came again in her solitude and she could only hold on for as long as she could, already weakened, weeks of hope and fighting having already eroded so much.

Just when she thought she would slip away the van started, the engine kicking back into life with a roar. The bonnet snapped down and, when the others clambered in, Pearl was resting against the window so much the same as they'd left her they simply assumed she hadn't moved at all. 

They were on the move again, taking her away from that dark spot of fear and doubt and down the road. New scenery came and went, more welcome miles between them in this escape, Amethyst and Garnet completely oblivious to any of her previous turmoil or what it had turned to: relief. 

She was glad they had gotten away from there, cool air misting up the glass in quiet exhalation. She was glad they hadn't seen her. She'd been strong enough to hold on, fight it back once more, just like she was meant to do, just like she should. Being strong _in the real way._

But she hadn't been, that niggling voice at the back of her mind said. If the van hadn't started, if they hadn't fixed it she would have fallen apart. Nothing would have changed. 

The van jolted as it hit a bump in the road, jostling Pearl against the window and she caught a glimpse of that same spectre again.

It was still there.

Of course it was still there. It was always going to be there. Did she really think she could leave it behind?

Relief soured into shame. She had; tried to at least. She'd run away. Tried to leave it all behind, because she couldn't face facing it. This was all she was doing; Running away from her problems, running away from her fears, running away from her own shadow. It was still there, at the edge of her vision, deliberately dropped out of mind, out of focus, but always there. How many miles they covered like this? It was just the same old tricks, the same old illusions trying fix over the truth, bury it away in a 'better' world. Paper over the cracks. Temporary, artificial. Ultimately useless.

She could run and run and it'd still be there, that same face, that truth she'd denied for so long, the same truth that had hold of her ever since she'd returned, the same truth she'd tried to bury, undo, prove wrong, do anything, ANYTHING! but let it be her reality. But it had been a lie, and it had been laid bare before them all in a broken crust.

She couldn't fix that either.

It scared her. There was still so much unknown, so much to lose, so much in the dark she couldn't see, and what she could see, she didn't want. But she couldn't deny it forever, the ghost that wouldn't leave. A future she still wanted to remove.

It hovered by the glass, scenery slipping through her, waiting to be seen. Waiting there at the edge of her mind. It knew.

Pearl glanced up, a ball of nerves rising rapidly with her as she met the wild glare, full of fury and anger. She snapped away. She couldn't do this! She didn't want this, she didn't want any of it! She just wanted it to go away. 

But it wouldn't.

Away. In the end it meant everything and nothing, putting off everything from before. Sooner or later the only 'away' would be herself going back to her gem, and that had been the last bastion she'd been fighting against, so so hard. She'd been running from this for so long, burying it under more trivial excuses, 'It'll be fixed', 'I shouldn't let myself worry or get too emotional so I don't dissipate', just so she didn't have to face it eye to eye, the most obvious marks of her torture.

At some point she would have to face this. She knew that, the idea trailed frequently at the edges of her therapy, treading lightly on still fragile ground. She needed to face herself, her present. But she couldn't, the anger she'd seen in that brief glimpse, what fury she'd seen- she was so scared of what it would show her, of what nightmares it would hold over her that she'd run again, she was still running, still avoiding it. She couldn't face that. She couldn't! Even the memory caught at her already, accusations ringing round. 'This is what you made me!' it cried, howling into nothing. 'This is your fault!' It was right, Pearl thought, and she couldn't blame it. After everything that had happened, she'd be angry too. 

She had been. Clarity changed the air, that moment of fear and anger come face to face to see itself for what they were. A buzzing at the back of the mind that seemed to fade and settle, dark hangings drawing back a little to settle the world. Not putting to rights, but it brought a calm of sorts. Her spectre was still there, waiting. Just waiting.

Pearl took a breath and looked again. There was no fear this time, only pity, and sorrow. Grief. She took the time to study it properly, automatically drawn to the damaged gem, following uneasy patterns down, those cracks that covered her all a little too straight to be natural. Her gaze finally lifted to the eyes, steeling herself against what she would find there. There were no horrors, no screaming nightmares or tortured souls distorted beyond belief, just her, she realised, that reflection of herself.

She looked...tired.

She **was** tired. So, so tired. She'd been fighting for so long.

She couldn't run forever.

"We should stop," the others looked over in surprise as she finally spoke, her voice a little crackly after such time without use, "give the van a proper chance to cool down before it cuts out again."

Garnet gave her a small nod. "Alright. There's a place just up ahead."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tbc


	10. Prompts 15 & 16: Campfire & Protective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The team take a break to let the van cool off.
> 
> Tags: Long chapter, difficult conversations (but needed)
> 
> Disclaimer: Do NOT try to eat fire, or burnt branches/embers etc. They are hot and will do damage. They can appear not hot but actually be hot inside and still do damage. Amethyst is a rock person. You are a human*, you will get burnt. Leave the flame stuff on fires where it belongs!
> 
> *presumably

They pulled over off the quiet country road, tucking in behind a small copse of trees. It was sheltered, with a small clearing and a blackened fire pit already left behind by some previous visitors. 

After a few cursory attempts to collect firewood, Pearl had perched on one of the nearby logs, content to let the others work around her, her heart not really in it. Her thoughts returned again and again to her reflection. Broken. It ached to think of herself like that, but at the same time she knew she couldn't afford to let herself wallow in pity anymore. She had to do something, but what?

What now? 

...

What do I do with this if I can't just fix it?

She didn't have an answer. That was the problem. She couldn't run forever, but no-one tells you how to stop.

She... had to find something else. Different. A way to come to terms with what happened. She shuddered, tensed still so the sensation ran within her, not alerting the others. It didn't sit well with her, bringing a fresh unease, more sorrow. In some part, she supposed, it felt like giving up. But she couldn't keep fighting it forever, burying her head in the sand, wearing herself out from running away, trying to avoid it. It would only come back to bite her. It would always be there to knock her down again. 

"Come on, can't we light it already?"

"No, keep collecting as much as you can. It'll be easier while it's light. We can always have a bigger fire later."

Garnet and Amethyst dipped in and out, arranging the world around her without complaint. She needed to tell them. She knew she owed them an explanation of what happened, but how? Nerves crowded round her, throat tightening, anticipation king. Knowing didn't make the doing any easier, her thoughts folding away from her grasp each time she tried to set them straight. Everything came and swirled and ached at once, left her tumbling down a river of rocks, going from one straight into another, and she was getting battered senseless in the current.

Breathe.

She could barely hide the tremble.

Here was her best chance, she knew that. Away from the house, away from Little Homeschool and the City. Here safe in the wilderness a long way from anywhere, where the trees would keep her secrets and fears, she could speak freely, or rather as freely as she could anywhere. The other gems had made sure of that. But she still didn't have any idea how or where to start, the freedom of speech giving no assistance or strength to how. Part of her hoped the others would broach the matter for her instead, an answer easier than the cold start she was facing. Surely they would? Why else bring her all the way out here?

The fire distracted her, breaking through its wooden shell with the first crackling flickers, growing bigger as it spread and caught. They didn't need it of course, but it held her gaze, a mesmerising dance of the byproducts of the chemical reaction below. The warmth seeped into her, a homely ease that claimed the wild for themselves, reassuring in its existence. It almost felt like home. Its presence told of quiet preparations, Garnet and Amethyst trying to set the stage in comfort for the long evening ahead. They knew. Why else would they bother? They had a lot to talk about. In time they would ask. 

The night drew in, the campfire holding off the chill. Pearl didn't sit idle, second by second still trying to figure out what she would say, playing over potential conversations in her head. They would ask, she thought one minute to the next, it would come.  
But it didn't, both Garnet and Amethyst seemly so engrossed in chatting around the fire, discussing Homeschool, local gossip, such everyday inanities that it appeared they'd almost forgotten everything that had happened with her, not a hint they were anything other than just happy to let her be. How dare they! 

As quickly as the anger rose it slunk away into shame, tangled up in nerves again. Her failings were not their fault. They had merely been making a holiday, an escape from the experiences of before. They probably thought everyday inanities were good for it. Good for _her._

Pearl wasn't sure if she could just let things be like that.

As the fire burnt down, settling to rich red and orange glowing embers, Amethyst had taken to putting new chunks of wood on, all collected from different trees, giving a running commentary on how much they burnt, or how many sparks they made.

"Yo, check this one out it's all spirally and stuff!"

Garnet nodded sagely. "Very pretty."

Amethyst stared at the fire with big wide eyes. She sniffed a few times. "Oh man that smells so good, I could just _nom_." A wicked smile crept onto her face. "Hey G, you know that oil?"

"Unfortunately."

"Do you reckon if I chug that after I'll be able to breath fire?" Amethyst had already started surreptitiously digging out a glowing lump, nudging it to one side with her foot.

"Do not eat the fire," Garnet put her foot down, "we need that." Amethyst relented, slinking back to her seat. "Here," Garnet threw over a bag, catching Amethyst square in the face with a plastic thwap.

Her face lit up. "Marshmallows! EeeeEEeeEeEeeee!"

"You'll need to find yourself a stick to roast them on. There's some by the wall back there. Bring me one."  
Amethyst disappeared, leaving Pearl and Garnet alone. 

Everything skipped a second, jolted back to her earlier plan with a start. This was her chance! Just one of them, Pearl thought, would be easier to tell than two. She just needed to do it! Just needed to tell her, just needed to say-

Nerves closed in, uncertainty and unease grabbing hold once again. She tried to fight it, trying to find the words to say something but a loud rustling snapped her attention away and the moment was gone.

Completely oblivious to her interruption Amethyst emerged bit by bit from the woods dragging what appeared to be half a dead tree, and dumping it by the fire. She pulled off a carefully selected branch for Garnet, then started to load up every single one of the remaining branches with marshmallows for herself, thwarted in the end only by the empty packet. The tree still looked impressive, a top heavy crown of white and pink giving the illusion of blossom, Amethyst wielding it with a big ol' grin.

"That's not gonna work," said Garnet. 

Amethyst ignored her, working the tree over the fire, rotating it to try to get it cooked through. She looked ridiculous. After several entertaining minutes watching her battle the awkward shape, frequent sub-fires and long stringy escapee mallows that got stuck everywhere as she tried to slurp them up, it became clear it had been an relatively unsuccessful venture- she was still left with numerous unmelted and inaccessible treats. Even her attempts to eat the cooked ones as they went only ended up with sticky, burnt marshmallow goop everywhere, including, Pearl noticed with a wince, in her hair. She was almost as bad as Steven after that time they'd made those crispies sculptures, and they'd had to cut some out of his hair then. It was a potent binding material.

Amethyst didn't seem phased though, chomping through the remnants of the tree wholesale, consuming it with relish, burnt branches and all. "Mmm, cronchy!"

Garnet shook her head with a smile, her own marshmallows (two on a stick) perfectly cooked, swelled all round to an even golden brown. She lifted another packet out the bag, Amethyst deflating with a little aww as soon as she saw it wasn't more marshmallows. "Nice try, buuuuut if you're going to camp properly you have to have it like this." She held up a pair of crackers, sweeping her branch in between in a single flowing move and holding up the results, a strikingly familiar sandwich shape. Pearl watched Garnet hand it over to Amethyst, then set about making a second, scooping the melted marshmallow off the stick. 

Pearl's eyes were still on the treat. "It's like a cookie cat," she said, uncertainty and new ideas playing ping-pong in her mind. Possibilities.

"Yeah! But it's warm. Smores!" Amethyst grinned, "as in, you'll always want smore of them!" 

Amethyst paused, just about to eat, the smore stopped midair. Pearl was still watching it with a quiet intensity, calculating, the cogs ticking over.

"Hey," Amethyst called softly, making Pearl start, nerves tossed straight into the defensive. But she was gentle about it, smiling. Kind; waiting for Pearl to unwind a little before continuing. "You wanna try it?" Pearl nodded, accepting the treat with care, not trusting herself to speak. 

"If you're doing them properly," Garnet pointed out, "you're meant to have chocolate in it too." 

"Yeah, what happened to that?" Amethyst said, all innocence, getting a mock scolding from the fusion for her troubles.

Pearl barely heard them, focusing on the food between her fingers, tentatively poking the still warm filling inside, testing the texture, gauging the heat, interrogating it, questioning the seeds of this new idea. She sniffed it, rich sweet smells twisting with the hint of the campfire, that woodsmoke that surrounded them. Beyond that it was very similar to a cookie cat, sweeter maybe. That would be from the marshmallows. After turning it this way and that a few more times she drew the corner up and took a bite, pausing to divest herself of the clinging mallow that skirted round her lips, then chewed.

It tasted... nice, a sweetness that had its own lift coming through the crunch of the cookie, the whole thing quickly turning to mush in her mouth. Before she had time to second guess what she was about to do she guarded herself and swallowed, braced against the sensation as it slipped down. A strange exhilaration filled her, forbidden movement and uncertainty chasing straight behind. She traced over the cracks where it went. After waiting a moment to be sure it had settled she cracked open an eye, a brief surprise that the disgust at having stuff inside her was so absent. She could hardly feel it. 

It wasn't enough. 

She took another bite, sending it after the first, this time allowing herself to be distracted by the left behind taste as it went down. It wasn't too bad. Flavour and feeling drew her to another and another 'til full, hands tracing over where it had settled, watching, waiting, checking it was all still there. It took her a moment to notice the silence, and look up. The others were staring.

"You ate it," Amethyst said, stunned.

Pearl felt herself flush, the obviously empty traces of crumbs on her fingers the only remnants left. They leapt to her face, trying to hide it, undo it. No, it was too late for that. "Oh! I'm sorry! It was yours, I didn't-" she flustered. Another mistake.

Amethyst immediately backtracked. "No, dude it's okay, I had a whole-" she waved at the forest "-packet. I didn't really need another I just... well... you ate it. Actually ate it." She seemed dazed. Pearl was too. She had eaten. She could feel it now, a weight around which her nerves riled. "So umm," Amethyst piped up, "you eating stuff now? I thought you didn't like-"

"-the texture," Pearl finished with her, frowning a little as her stomach squirmed some more, once again checking to be sure it was all there, that it was all contained. "No. But it tasted nice."

Silence grew between them.

Garnet spoke, "Pearl..." 

Pearl didn't look up, her hands stilling. "I wanted to know if it'd stay... Know that everything's still there... Maybe stick it together some more." She couldn't help but grab hold, fingers clutching around the edges.

"You don't need to do that." Garnet. She was so calm, so matter of fact about it, but she didn't understand!

"But I do. I need to know, I need to have something to be sure this is working," Pearl insisted, "something that can hold together, better than I can especially if this..." she waved at herself, already fighting back a press of tears. It pushed her quiet for a moment, knotting up inside. She had to do this!

"The pie," she forced out with a stutter. "I should have known, I should have done something sooner. I should have faced it from the start, instead I've been hiding away, avoiding it for so long, I couldn't- I didn't want- ugh," Pearl squirmed, trying to shift around the words warped with guilt and shame, as if she could shape them out herself, first tears burning through. "I thought I was getting better at holding my form, but all that happened was I found another way to fall apart. After all that, the slightest hint of facing this, really facing the truth and I-" she wiped away the mess. Another mess. Tired, bitter...

Tired.

"I've been trying to keep it together but I can't, not like this. I'm... tired of falling apart all the time, but I know now," a steel entered her tone, once reserved for her enemies of the battlefield, quiet, dangerous, determined, leaving tears to spite.

"Pearl," Garnet drew only a glare for her ill-timed interruption.

No! Pearl wanted to shout at her, her thoughts temporarily offset, out of balance. Not now! They needed to hear this, she- needed this!

"I know I need to face this, I need to face what happened down there!" Pearl kept going, voice rising round the clearing before she lost her momentum again. "They broke me! They sh-" in and out, the bands pulled tight and threatened to pull apart once more, cracks obliterating the remains of her composure as they expanded and glowed in all too familiar tugs. No! Pearl clung on, hung in the middle fighting everything against dissipating, dragging herself over the seconds into aching exhaustion until it finally settled, leaving her shivering and wilted in its wake. She had to take a few moments to catch her breath, taking some small respite from the center of energy within. "They broke me." 

"Pearl,"

"It's true! That- happened." Her voice cracked, "they won."

"You beat them. You got away."

"Did I?" Tears came of their own accord, pity and grief dripping off her cheeks in the quiet truth that hurt so much to bare. Those gems were gone, their ship obliterated, but way what they did still had hold over her... she might as well still be there.

"They broke me " Pearl echoed, hollow around the words. "That happened. I spent so long trying to hide away and ignore it, deny it, pretend it never happened until it went away that I couldn't see it never would. I was a fool. I should have done something sooner, but I was scared and I chose the easy way out, a lie. Little wonder that it all fell apart, that I fell apart. I should have known better. I should have done better."

"Woah, hey no, it's not your fault," Amethyst insisted. "You were doing exactly what you had to to get through this- you were struggling to even hold your form at the start remember? Now look how far you've come!"

"She's right." Garnet chimed in. "You needed time to recover, to stabilise. Don't beat yourself up for something you couldn't control. You've been doing your best."

Pearl grumbled half under her breath, "I needed to do more." Her hands scattered over each other, working, working. "Still do." There was still so much to do. Tiredness gripped her, a deep ache that just wanted to let everything go, lurching the world away.

Arms wrapped around her and caught her, the purple limbs warm, snug, and secure, Amethyst's head tucked into Pearl's arm as she propped her up, the voluminous quartz hair surprisingly soft and pillow-like. Garnet joined her on the other shoulder.

"This was never going to be straightforward. There are some times when you have to pick and choose which battles to fight because you can't fight and win them all at the same time and that's okay. Pearl, you've been fighting so hard, and we're so, so proud of you, but it's okay to let yourself stop and take a break from that too."

"I-" Pearl was at a loss, tearful emotions tumbling one through each other until she could barely see straight. Amethyst gave her a squeeze. 

"~ooh," Pearl pulled a face as the smore shifted, tensing and pulling away, hand flying to her stomach. "That's a bit... mm." Pearl blinked back the queasiness. "That's going to take a bit of getting used to." She shifted again, adjusting her seat, waiting for it to react but it held within, inert once again. How often was it going to do that? She couldn't spend all of her time feeling sick, but it was working, this new sensation distracting her, fueling her, grounding her. The whole thing was experimental, but it was working.

But that wasn't the only idea she had had. "I'm tired, tired of moping around, being stuck with this on eggshells. I need to do something!"

"You need to rest."

"It'd be easier to rest when I don't have to keep worrying about slipping away anymore, when I don't have to constantly worry about holding onto this all the time!" Right on cue with her anger was the familiar wobble, glowing cracks making themselves known, forcing her attention away from her words as she rallied with a huff. 

"Yes it's got better, but it's still there just waiting for me to slip up. Doesn't matter what I do," Pearl waved her arms, sketching out her frustration as she ploughed on, "whether I go to a thousand seminars, or have every gem in Beach City spend every second trying to distract me, it's still there, waiting at the back of my mind. It won't let me rest. But there is something that could help."

"No." She'd barely finished when Garnet answered but kept going anyway.

"I need stability."

"No."

"I was thinking, what if we go back, retrieve some of the equipment, build a stabiliser of our own?"

"No."

"It doesn't have to be big, just enough for one, for this, and!, it'll only be for a little while, just so I can get back into the swing of things! Get a bit of stability without having to worry..." a bit of normality, then she could finally have a chance of true recovery.

"It's not that bad an idea," Amethyst ventured. "If Pearl's up for it,"

"I am."

"-then surely it's worth a shot."

"No." Garnet kept to the same tune, repeating herself for the umpteenth time.

"Why not?" Pearl pinned her under her gaze.

"I-" Garnet glanced away, changing tack, deep patches shining out from under her visor. "It's done enough damage. You were stuck under that thing for so long, everything that happened- putting yourself in that position again, even if it was for the right reasons would be risking bringing it all back. Even if you managed to avoid all that I fear you becoming reliant on it; it making things worse, a crutch that destabilises your form again just because you wouldn't have to focus on that anymore. You'd be stuck with it Pearl, undoing everything we've worked towards- no." Garnet curtailed herself, letting the simmering well of her anxiety settle down. "There's more too. That technology... As far as we know those were the only gems who had figured it out. It should stay that way. The horrors that could happen if it fell into the wrong hands again, I- We can't risk it, it has to stay buried. I'm sorry Pearl, I-"

Pearl let out a sigh. "I know." Of course she knew. "I just want things to be normal again, I just want my life back." More tears came- she couldn't help them, and this time Garnet came and held her, unspoken words to share in her sorrow. "Everything was going well, we were so happy."

"We'll get there."

Pearl fell silent, still for a moment before her fingers started to trace over familiar ridges once again. 

"What if we don't?" It was barely more than a whisper, hiding away as if the world would hear and strike her anew, make it real. "What if it never goes back?"

"Then it doesn't. Just because things don't go back to exactly how they were before doesn't mean you won't or can't find happiness here. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it's possible. In the meantime, what happened, what changed doesn't have to define you. You don't have to wait for it to magically go away. You shouldn't. You can allow yourself the opportunities to do new and old and dangerous things in spite of it. Allow yourself the chance to relax, even if that means risking dissipating. You shouldn't have to spend all the time worrying about when, worrying about avoiding it because it'll become everything and you'll just lose the chances of good moments in between."

"Yeah! Live in the moment P! Eat all the smores! Race all the cars!" Amethyst declared, "Finish all the puzzles!"

It almost made her chuckle. It had been fun baking with everyone, if a little messy for her liking, and part of her panged those carefree times once again. But uncertainty ran close on its heels. Was it worth it? To lose all that progress...

"I thought I'd been working on that, building it up. But I broke anyway...all that work..."

"Is still there. Is still valid," Garnet assured her. "We'll rebuild."

"What if it doesn't work? What if I get it wrong?"

"If something doesn't work for you we'll keep trying and changing it until it does. Until things get better for good."

"Yeah! You worry too much P." Amethyst gave her a nudge. "Always have."

"You went through a lot, arguably more than any gem out there. But you have gotten through so much already, I know you can get through this too. It's just going to take time. That's okay, and you don't have to do all of this yourself."

"Yeah, we," Amethyst posed, giving herself and Garnet the thumb up, "are in with you for the long run."

"Whatever it takes, we're here. We are always going to be here for you,"

"Crystal Gems for-evaaa!"

Pearl almost smiled, but only managed a sigh. Everything felt so heavy.

"Pearl," Garnet crouched before her. "You've been trying so hard. It's time to let yourself take a step back, find out what you can do without burning yourself out, find out what we can do too, even if it is something like bailing out to the middle of nowhere to scream into oblivion."

"I know a very good planet for that," Amethyst added, "it can be very therapeutic at times."

Pearl shifted. "I don't know if I can." Her quiet voice carried around them, and she clarified. "Relax. I barely have hold of what little control I've managed to recover. How can I risk throwing that all away?"

"You don't want to let your guard down," said Garnet.

Pearl nodded. "I need to stay strong, I need to keep fighting this, have some way of keeping it at bay."

"But not to the exclusion of everything else. That's why we're here: so you can what you can; let us help you with the rest. You don't have to do this alone."

Pearl didn't answer, and stayed silent a while, her fingers still working over each other as the mind moved in tandem, sketching out uncertainties.

"'The wrong hands'," Pearl echoed. "Sobering thought that there could still be wrong hands out there."

"You don't have to worry, we'll make sure nothing happens," Garnet tried to assure her.

"I know but, the thought's still there." It was always there, with Rose, with Steven, with herself. Always there, always something. "I'll still worry. It's part of who I am, I- I don't know if I can really stop." The hands turned faster, twisting, sliding, rolling over each other.

"'A worry shared is a worry halved'." Garnet and Pearl looked at Amethyst in surprise. "Eh, just something Jenny told me once," she explained with a shrug, "but we can do that! Whatever's worrying you, whatever's on your mind you can tell us! We'll figure out what we can do, together! We've got your back P!"

"And your front."

"I dunno, there's only so much-"

"Let us help," Garnet insisted. "There's nothing silly you can ask of us, whatever worries you have we won't ever think less of you. You're not weak, you're strong, so strong as to come as far as you have already. You don't, you shouldn't have to feel like you're doing this alone because you're not! We'll never let that happen! If you're worried about letting your guard down, then let us be your guard!"

"We've got you P!" Amethyst cried, "and we're gonna make sure nothing bad ever happens to you again!"

It took a moment to shift the knot in her throat to speak. "I-" Pearl paused to swallow, her voice catching over itself. "I highly doubt you'll be able to stop _anything_ bad happening but I appreciate the gesture. I-" 

_Hiss!_

Pearl stopped at the sight of the snake, . It was quite close, lifted up watching her- probably disturbed from its slumber by Amethyst. It would go in second- they usually only attacked in self defense, like if you disturbed one from its sleep and accidentally trapped it in the corner of an unfamiliar house.

"Nooope!" 

Confusion came with a swooping sensation as it took Pearl a second to realise she'd been scooped into the air by Amethyst, her own 'oh' almost drowning out the alarmed hiss from below.

"Nope, nope, nope nope nope!" Amethyst trotted further back. "Not today Party guy!"

"You're-" Garnet summoned her gauntlets, fist in hand as she loomed over the reptile, "-not invited."

"I don't think-"

"Don't worry Pearl! We'll protect you!" 

The world around the fire jumped as Garnet clasped hands and brought them down, Pearl having to grab Amethyst to stay on.

Amethyst shifted again as she tried to get a better view, balancing Pearl away and craning her neck. "Did you get it?"

Garnet straightened, imperceptible for a moment as she considered. "No."

Pearl was more prepared this time as Amethyst drew her whip, turning and turning around. "Where'd it go?" The two came back to back, all tense and serious, as if they were fighting a platoon of corrupted Quartz and not one rather small snake.

"Over there, on your left!" Garnet called, and Pearl lurched even higher, Amethyst diving away from her with a cry, swinging wildly and cutting through what little foliage there was.

Pearl found herself balanced on Garnet's gauntlet, the height giving herself an almost birds-eye view of the 'battlefield' -just in time to see the tail of the snake disappear on the far side of the fire, well away from the two gems.

"No!" Garnet cried, somewhat, Pearl suspected, more dramatically than was required, and still pointing away from where the snake had gone. "The other left!"

Amethyst turned, clocked the bush and spun herself up, leaping into the air and diving straight down on her target, sending leaves, twigs and dirt flying, immediately leaping to her feet and keeping up the attack, Garnet encouraging her on. 

"You're. Not. Going. To. Hurt. Pearl! Ha!" Amethyst bailed on her whip and finished off the remnants with a wrestling move Steven had described as an 'elbow drop', climbing atop a nearby stump and puffing up her chest. "You'll have to come through us first! Hyah!" 

The impact send another billow of dust through the clearing, Amethyst up and posing as if she'd won another round in the ring, the sheer absurdity of it all drawing a covered snort from Pearl. "Yeah, you showed that bush!"

Amethyst seemed to clock it. "Wait!" she jumped straight back into action, "I think I missed! Where are you Party Guy?!?!!"

They kept going. Garnet shot off a gauntlet at at shadow on a tree. Amethyst got in a wrestling tangle with what turned out to be her own whip. Pearl couldn't help but laugh at the two of them goofing around in the night air in ever more silly ways, trying to fight an opponent that had long since slithered away.

Fighting for her.

Back and forth they danced, keeping up the show for a while longer, before finally collapsing into a big pile between the three of them, Pearl nestled safely in the middle. She wiped away the tears, catching her breath.

"You two," Pearl declared in no uncertain terms, "are ridiculous." It drew a little chortle from Amethyst, and she would swear she could feel Garnet smiling too, a renewed warmth for the two gems rushing through her. "Thank you."

"Anytime P, anytime." Amethyst shifted to look at her. "Just try not to shut us out of this okay?"

Pearl stilled, that familiar drop in her chest all too easily dampening the spirits of before.

"It's not easy," even the fire seemed to dim with her confession. "I do want to let you help, I- I just..." she fiddled, her fingers dancing over her arm, pulling it in tighter, "-don't really know how to make it work."

"Holly will," said Garnet, "we can ask her."

Her therapist. Of course. Pearl suddenly felt very glad she was lying down as another one of those jelly-legged moments rippled through her, a lightening of the world that laid so much with the gems at her side. She let out a sigh, of true relief she hadn't felt in so long, tears coming again.

She didn't have to worry so much anymore.


	11. Prompts 17, 18 &19: Flashbacks, hot cocoa, & memory lane

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven catches Pearl in a flashback, and the two have a long overdue conversation 
> 
> Tags: flashback, gem war, rebellion

"No, please,"

Steven froze at the top of the stairs, the muted plea rising on its desperation from below. 

"The war is over, we're on the same side! Hgnh!"

His chest lurched. He knew that voice. Was this what had woken him from his slumber, not the thirst he had thought? Shifting to get a view of the sofa through the darkness he saw her, Pearl laid curled up toward the back of the sofa, face pulled into a grimace. Her gem was glowing, no projections anymore- the cracks had seen to that, but the light turned outwards and back running down the scars and spreading all over her, covering her with a sickly tint. When the voice came it flickered like a shadow over her, coming from the memory, not herself.

"No, it's not like that, we're not- ugh!"

She twitched, kicking out at something unseen, tense straining wrinkles appearing as it gripped around her. She looked in pain. Steven hesitated, unsure if he should wake her.

"...you have to believe me, you don't have to do this! No!"

Pearl flinched forward, headbutting the backrest, eyes opening with a start. She blinked a few times, dazed and disorientated, tears trying to make themselves known in the echo of what was, then came to herself, snapping it away with a frustrated huff. She rolled to her feet in one swift move and strode away, determined, forceful; stopped only a couple of paces out alone in the middle of the house, her back to him still. He could hear her breathing, attempted sighs and casual stretches as she tried to get her nerves under control and chase away the last few remnants of the memories in relative silence.

Pearl slowly relaxed, running a hand through her hair and sloughing the stress back off her shoulders with a sigh. Rough night. Steven could sympathise with that- it had taken him a while to get back into a regular sleep schedule after his breakdown. He hovered, uncertain if he should say something, make himself known, or leave her to it, sneak back to his room before she saw.

She saw.

She just happened to look back up, clocking Steven caught on the stairs with a 'hrk!', gone wide-eyed and stiff once again.

Steven was caught himself, fumbling over his words. "Rough night?" He kicked himself as soon as he said it, the crass phrasing all too easily rubbing salt in the wound, not the sympathy he had intended.

He scurried down, giving her a reassuring smile. "I was just popping down for a drink." She seemed to accept his words, letting him pass without comment. He paused at the tap and glanced back. Pearl was still stood there, somewhat despondent and deep in thought.

"Hey," he called softly, waving the cup at her, "do you want some cocoa?" She had been showing a preference for sweet/chocolatey foods now she had started some more ventures into eating, but she didn't react, hovering back, still uncertain, still a little distracted. "Pearl?" She glanced up. "It always helped me when I was struggling to sleep," she looked confused, "the cocoa. Do you want some?"

She hesitated, eyes drawn to the cup for a moment, but she shook herself out of it, pulling back. "No, it's fine."

"It's alright if you do, I can make-"

"There's really no need to worry yourself just for-"

"It's okay!" He caught himself almost shouting and quietened, the two of them glancing back up to ensure they hadn't been heard. He dropped to a hush again. "I was thinking about having one myself, it's no trouble."

"You- ah," she blushed, that embarrassed blueish tint across her cheeks. She blinked it away, slipping into that helpful mode with an infuriating smile. "I can do that!"

"Wait-"

"I'm up anyway, might as well." She made a beeline to the cupboard before he could stop her, already pulling down the cocoa.

He intercepted her gently as she turned, hands on the tub between them, a brief tug of war. "Please," Steven implored her, "after all the ones you made me..." he let the words hang between them, memories of a hundred late night half-cocoas brought to tired, cold, or sometimes scared hands. They were always welcome. They were always left behind by slender fingers, unshared. "I would love to make you one for a change, now I've got the chance." She still seemed uncertain. "Please?" 

"Alright," Pearl relented, fingertips fading away from the tub with a soft smile. She retreated to the table to watch as he got to work. He thought he caught the flickers of that same smile coming and going as he worked around in the dark, showing her the method and getting sage nods as he assured her he was doing it exactly as she would. Maybe not with the toppings where he started playing around a bit, his own enthusiasm and occasional mischief seeping through in the silence. It took her a while to cotton on, but after the initial confusion at his bizarre antics Pearl was game enough to keep quiet about it, all too aware of Greg still sleeping on the camp bed upstairs. 

When it was all done two large mugs sat on the table before them, the hot chocolate sat buried under the generous pile of cream and sprinkles he had found. Pearl took a long drink, closing her eyes and letting out a contented mmh. 

Steven had to stifle a snort, unable to help himself, drawing a questioning look from Pearl. He waved at his face, Pearl making him almost laugh again as she went cross-eyed trying to locate the moustache she had acquired, pouting to get the best view before wiping it away. He grinned at her, and she gave him a smile and a thumbs up, warming approval of his efforts. 

Amusement slipped away back into muted twilight, and they settled, simply sipping at the warming chocolate, their minds far beyond the dark swirls between their hands. Steven thoughts returned to before. They knew she was still struggling to rest, this slip-back to memories of what happened making itself known in unlikely places. He knew it was happening, but seeing it, hearing it... He wondered if he should say something. He wondered what she was thinking.

'Do you want to talk about it?' might be a good start, but he knew that in such fresh moments like this it was all too easy to say no. You never really wanted to talk about it, even when you needed to, even when you should. That, he thought grimly, is how it gets you.  
He glanced over, Pearl still focused on her drink. He should say something, but it felt like he shouldn't pry, that being here was enough (or too much already, it was hard to tell). 

'Are you okay? What happened?' Bad questions, uncomfortable questions. He didn't want to push her away, his mind running over that brief snippets he had seen. What was she seeing? All that time away from them and she was keeping so quiet about it, especially with him, trying to protect him still. It was so... Pearl.

He realised he had a different question.

"What was it like?" 

Pearl tensed up, clasping fingers almost threatening to crack the mug before her. 

"The Gem war, the rebellion," he clarified quickly. "What with everything that's happened I realised I've never really asked, and I mean really really asked." They'd never really told him, and by the time they could it didn't matter anymore, the whole thing finally over. "It all got in the way. But you were fighting Homeworld for years, before the corruption..." For a moment he thought he'd overstepped, a stern look clinging about her, not looking up. 

Pearl stayed quiet a few moments longer. "It was hard. In the early days with just the two of us everything we did was ambitious, unplanned and opportunistic, taking every chance we had. We were all so new we had no idea what we were doing and were making it up as we went along. We simply wanted to scare Homeworld away, prove colonising not worth the hassle. Then came Garnet. There were other gems that joined us and our little local rebellion became about so much more than just Earth, we had a cause. More gems came to join, and as we grew we had to slow down, take time to recruit, train, plan. Lead. Everything was still about taking on Homeworld but it was so much more complicated. Throw in having to go back and forth to Homeworld without raising suspicion... It was difficult keeping on top of it all. And it became harder. The more gems we had, the more battles we fought, the more Homeworld fought back. There were many battles I thought we weren't coming back from, friends lost because of what we started. Were we any better than Homeworld? We painted it with hope and glory, but there was never anything pretty about it."

"They came with so much hope, their visions for the world we would would make, but there were days where I wondered if it was all little more than a fancy we got others caught up in, a fad that would crash and burn. It could! If they had found out about Rose..."

"But they didn't, it didn't," Steven interjected. "We won."

Pearl frowned. "That may be so, but there are still so many gems that didn't come back because of what we did, that have had their lives turned upside down whether they wanted to or not." Her hands traced over the scars on her arms. "Everything they went through... what right did we have to inflict that on them?" She sighed, long and heavy. "There were many days where I doubted, times I wondered if it was really worth it. Sometimes I still do."

She fell silent again, pensive over her chocolate. It was almost empty.

"It wasn't you."

Pearl looked up.

"It wasn't you," Steven said, "it was Homeworld. They were the ones who refused to let anyone break their 'perfect' mould. They were the ones who didn't listen to my mum when she wanted them to spare Earth. They were the ones that sent the corruption blast, not caring if they shattered thousands of gems! That was never your fault."

"We started the fight. The cluster, corruption, all those battles we lost gems in battles that existed only because there was a rebellion. Because of what we did."

"Yeah, but so do I! So does Earth! Because of it, the Gems are free to be themselves, the galaxy is free from being invaded again! There are so many more gems who no longer live in fear of being shattered just because they don't fit someone else's mould! You fought so they could get away from all that." Steven ploughed on, "and so did all the others: Garnet, Bismuth, every gem that joined you got 'caught up' in it because they believed in it, they believed it was worth it, and they believed in you! And look at what we made! Look at all of this!" He waved at the house. "Without you, without the rebellion, none of this would have existed, and that's amazing!"

Steven paused, taking stock, glancing round to make sure he hadn't roused the others. Pearl blinked back some tears. He kept going.

"Because of you I got to exist, I got to grow up in a world full of life, not drained and barren and empty. I got to learn how to use my powers and just be me, human and gem and all those things in between. I got to know Garnet and Amethyst, and you, and I wouldn't regret any of that for a second."

"So no, it wasn't easy," too easily a flurry of the hard fights, the mistakes and arguments came to mind, "I don't think these sort of things ever are and... I may have only been there for a small part of what got us here but it was worth it. It really, really was."

He looked to Pearl and his earnest hope deflated on her stern expression, her face guarded, unreadable, almost blank. No smiles, nor tears either, just a nipped firmness that barely let up as she took that long deep stare and turned it back on her mug. 

His stomach lurched. Had he said something wrong? Upset her in some way? He didn't want to do that! Stupid, stupid! Why did he say anything? They could have just enjoyed their hot chocolate in peace! It soured now, the once warm hints tangled up in guilt and regret.

The hairs on the back of his neck tingled, pulling him out of it just as something landed gently on his head. He looked up. Pearl was stood beside him, fingers nestled into his hair, a small smile on her face that melted all his worries away.

"Come on," she said softly as she collected his empty mug too, "let's get these cleaned up."


	12. Prompt 21: Hugs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pearl finds Amethyst is getting a little… clingy, and they stop for a talk.
> 
> Tags: Death mention, Rose, talking about character death (it's pretty raw)

Greg watched Pearl as she moved around the living room, carefully arranging piles of shell and metal- parts of a disassembled robonoid she was currently working on- so they wouldn't get in the way. She paused, crouching by the collection of electronics that, when in working condition, formed the brain of the robot, keeping it in the air and moving around. This one, as had so many others, had been repurposed in Era Three to form part of a communication network that spanned throughout Homeworld, getting in even the most hard to reach corners of the planet. Except this one had inexplicably decided to start dropping off the grid, and Pearl had volunteered to find and figure out why. Probably a loose or dirty connection. 

She leaned forward, peering even closer at the pile, only for a curtain of the palest lavender to drop in the way.

"Amethyst, hair please." A hand swept down and drew it to the side, tucking it back behind her shoulder. Pearl quickly scooped up the circuit she'd been looking for, straightening up and starting the meticulous process of wiping all the dirt and dust away, pacing across to the table to collect a brush. Greg was still watching her.

"That can't be comfortable," he eventually declared.

Pearl shrugged, Greg's eyes widening further at the apparently impressive feat; considering the somewhat hefty looking purple gem clung limpet-like to her back, it probably was (for a human at any rate). But Gem forms adjusted to weight easily and whether it was Amethyst being lighter than usual or Pearl's innate strength, her presence there barely registered. In fact, besides the occasional hair related intrusion, she'd barely heard a peep out of Amethyst the whole time. 

Pearl shifted her up on her back just to be on the safe side anyway, adjusting the arms flopped over her shoulders for the best coverage. Amethyst had become a strange stand-in for her jacket, keeping her shoulders warm and covered. Whilst warmth wasn't necessary for a gem, it was nice to keep the wind off her back for a change, and covering some of the mosaic corruption/actual scar shapes that seemed to be prevalent back there was always an added bonus.

The company was welcome too.

Pearl adjusted her elbow pads, checking they hadn’t been broken through, and set to work. By the time she was done Greg had gone, the sky was dark outside and Pearl could hear Amethyst's snoozing falter as she straightened up and headed to the kitchen. Pearl pulled out a large bowl and started depositing an array of chaps, sauces, pickles and flavourings inside, being careful to keep it away from the increasingly interested bundle on her back.

She placed the bowl on the coffee table and, in the one moment of distraction as she went to follow it, flipped Amethyst up, off and over onto the sofa. She lay there blinking on her back for a moment, then scrambled up, turning to Pearl once again.

The food lay ignored.

Amethyst moved closer, reaching out to climb back up but Pearl stopped her, "No." The purple gem seemed to deflate, sinking back down into the sofa. "We need to talk about this," Pearl insisted, "face to face."

Amethyst pouted. "I just wanted to hug."

"Yes, I know, but it's been a whole week and a half. That's a long time even for you," said Pearl, Amethyst still avoiding her gaze. "Look, I'm not mad. I don't mind you doing it- really! I just want to know why."

"Doesn't have to be a reason," Amethyst muttered, folding her arms and glowering at the floor.

Pearl sighed. 2I know you Amethyst, I've known you for nearly five thousand years. I know when something's troubling you (or at least I should do by now). You haven't stayed this quiet for ages. Something's eating you up, especially when you're not eating. So..." Pearl perched on the sofa beside her, careful not to impose, not to scare her away, "...what's on your mind?"

Amethyst looked away, cheeks flushing a darker hue. 

"Rose."

Pearl gaped, a semi-frozen 'oh', blinking through her surprise once she'd gotten over the initial shock. "Rose?"

"Yeah! I-" Amethyst looked around, fiddling with her hands, her shorts, the sofa, avoiding Pearl. Her voice dropped. "I can’t stop thinking about how she died."

"I mean, we knew it was going to happen," she continued. "We were ready, well, as ready as we were ever going to be. I just… After all those months, all that preparation I thought there would be something special, something... like you'd know when it happened y'know? But in the end it was the same as anything else; she just poofed." Amethyst waved her hands through the air, tears beading in her eyes, voice cracking, "she just poofed, and... never came back."

Pearl could feel a lump in her throat. She knew it had been hard for all of them, not just her, but to hear it…  
"Well er," Pearl ventured, faltering a little, "it was a bit more complicated than that, for starters Steven-" Her words were cut off as Amethyst dove in with another hug, wrapping her arms tight round Pearl's waist and burying her head into her side, squeezing her tight. She clung on, Pearl hovering her hands above her unsure what to do. 

"Mhmn m mmm mhh mhm mhn?" Amethyst's words came muffled beyond comprehension, and Pearl tapped her gently on the back of the head, sinking through thick layers of hair to get her attention.

Amethyst looked up, straight at Pearl, her face still strewn with tears. "...promise me you’ll always come back?"

Pearl's heart melted; she seemed so _uncertain_. "Of course I will," it was so easy to say, and she brushed Amethyst’s tears away with a thumb. "Always," Pearl wrapped her tight again, chin resting on her head as she finally enclosed the hug between them both, "I promise."


End file.
